Never let you go

Chapter 69

Two weeks later

Grey:

This is the day I've been dreading. It was easy at first to pretend when I first came home that this day wouldn't actually come, but now it's here and I feel hollow. Empty. I feel horrible for feeling this way when I have Hunter here who loves me more than life itself, but on this day I can't help but feel this way. My therapist told me it was okay for me to feel bad on this day, that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, that I am allowed to feel whatever I need to feel. I just hope she's right.

I crawled into Hunter's room again last night so I could fall asleep but sleep never actually came. My mind just wouldn't shut off so I just laid there with him and listened to the steady beat of his heart and breathing. When the sun started to come up I snuck out of his room without waking him and went back to my room and sat on my bed for a while contemplating what I wanted to do. I was feeling too many hurtful emotions and I felt like they were all fighting to break out of me, like at any moment I might explode. So I changed my clothes and slipped on my running sneakers and I ran to the one place I know I needed to be.

By the time I get to the cemetery it's about six in the morning and the sun is shining. It seeming like it's going to be a beautiful today. Too bad I'm secretly wishing for rain. I walk towards Jason's headstone and fall to my knees when I reach it. It had been almost six months since I had last been here. Six months since I had told him goodbye. Six months. It felt almost like a lifetime.

"Hey" I say quietly as involuntary tears sting my eyes. "I've missed you. I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've been here and I'm so sorry that I told you goodbye. I thought I had to in order to be with Hunter, but my therapist tells me that's not necessarily true. She said that I could still care for you and be with him, that you were and always will be a huge part of my life. I was relieved to hear her say that. She also said that it's good for me to talk about you so even though it's hard I've been trying. It's getting easier though. It still hurts of course, but it's getting better. Losing you will always hurt, but remembering you and who you were and how you loved me that doesn't have to hurt. Those are the good memories and I'll always cherish them."

I pause for a moment and sniffle back some tears. God, this is hard. This is normal, I hear my therapist remind me and I take a deep breath. She's right. It's okay for me to feel like this.

"I'll be twenty tomorrow" I say with a mock happy tone. "Which means tomorrow marks two years since I lost you. Two years since you proposed to me. Two years since my life completely changed."

I pause again as tears and anger rip through me. I hate feeling so angry, but I can't seem to help myself whenever I think about Jason's death. It's just so unfair and not just to me, but to him and to all the people who knew and loved him.

"I wish it were me sometimes" I say honestly into the cool morning air. "I wished it a lot after it first happened because I wasn't sure I could live without you. Pretty selfish of me huh? But I don't just wish it for that reason. I wish it because I know without a doubt in my mind that you would have gone on to do absolutely amazing things with your life. I know you would have made an incredible doctor and an incredible husband to some lucky girl. I also know you would have been an amazing father. I think about it all the time what our life would have been like if I never lost you. I think about the kids we would have had and how our son would have had your brown eyes and sculpted jaw line and how you would have spoiled our daughter rotten. I think about it all."

Silent tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I think about the future that we'll never have. The future and life he never got to live. "There's something I need to tell you" I whisper through my tears. "I brought Hunter home with me. I want you two to finally meet, but maybe you already have since I have a feeling you are the one who sent him back here to me. I've been meaning to thank you for that by the way because I'm not sure I would have survived losing him too. If you can see me like I think you can then you can see how happy he makes me. I hope it's okay that I've moved forward with my life and that I'm finally starting to live my life again the way you intended me to. I hope I haven't let you down and that you are proud of me. I promise you I will never forget you and that when I do have children they will know all about you. I promise to live an extraordinary life for you. I promise I still love you and the time we shared. You changed my life Jason, and it was a privilege to know you and to love you and be loved by you."