Never let you go

Chapter 71

Hunter:

Leaving Grey was hard this morning. It was so damn freaking hard, but I knew I had to do this alone. She told me she would come with me if that was what I wanted, but she would understand if I needed to do this on my own. At first I couldn't imagine doing this without her next to me. I wasn't sure I could step into the darkness again and make it out the other side on my own. Grey had been the light that had pulled me out the first time. She saved my life, but as I woke up this morning I realized I needed to do this one my own.

Standing here now though I was panicking and I was wishing Grey was here to calm me down like she always does. I wish I could turn and look into her dark blue eyes and feel peace wash over me. I wish that none of this was really happening.

I walk towards Jess's gravestone and each step feels painful and wrong. I can't help but still feel like it should be me in the ground and not her. I can't help but still feel all the guilt. This is my first time coming here since she died and I know that may seem wrong and messed up, but after Jess died I wasn't allowed anywhere near here. I had missed her funeral because I was still in the hospital, but her parents had made it clear that even if I wasn't in the hospital I wasn't welcome.

Once I was released I was too afraid to come here. I was scared that I would run into her parents and I knew I couldn't face them. I knew that nothing I ever said or did would ever make things right between us. I was supposed to protect their daughter and keep her safe and I failed.

It's early in the morning so I'm the only one here and I'm incredibly thankful for that because I don't want anyone to see me here. I also like the idea of Jess and I having complete and total privacy. I lay down the flowers I got for her, they're called forget me not. I figured they were poetically beautiful as well as physically pretty. I know Jess would have liked them. I can picture her now and how if she was here she would put some in her long blonde hair and smile like the sun at me.

"Hey Jess" I say as I sink down on the ground. "I'm sorry I haven't been around to visit. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry Jess." I pause as I feel tears sting at my eyes and my heart feels like it is being crushed. Being here hurts so much. "I'm sorry for how I acted after I lost you, you deserved better than that but I just couldn't handle living without you. Everything hurt so much and everything reminded me of you and how you deserved to be alive instead of me. I couldn't stand the thought of never getting to see you again. I planned on marrying you and spending the rest of my life with you. With you gone it was like my future vanished."

"For over a year I wasted my life away getting drunk and fighting, but then I met a girl and she was so sad. She was the opposite of you, but I think that was what drew me to her. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to be the one to make her smile. For the first time since I lost you I found myself caring about someone else. It was completely and utterly terrifying. Naturally I tried to keep my distance from her, but I couldn't stay away. She offered me a solace from the pain of my everyday life. She offered me peace from the pain of losing you. She saved my life."

"I hope that wherever you are you can forgive me for all that I've done even though I don't really deserve it. I hope that you can forgive me for moving on and are happy for me. I want you to know I will never forget you. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you, that I haven't missed you. I will always miss you and I will always love you."

I pause again as I take a deep breath and I close my eyes as I picture Jess once again. It tears away at me that she will always be frozen at eighteen in my mind. She'll never grow older. She'll never get married or have children. She'll always be the wild and free-spirited beautiful blonde who was my first love.

After a few more moments of remembering her I stand up and wipe at some tears. My heart feels like it's shattering into a million pieces as I open my mouth to say what I came here to say. "I love you Jess" I whisper to her hoping my words reach her wherever she may be. "Goodbye" I say so quietly I could barely even hear it and then I turn and walk away before I let the darkness swallow me whole.