ILYSB (it hurts)

[𝟽] never friends

Hero

I look at my broken television and my damaged PlayStation that I'm sure enough came from my mother's money. I wanted to get out the anger from my system. I want to get rid of it permanently. I feel like shit. I feel unwanted. I feel useless. I feel helpless. I feel every shitty feeling and I hate it. I hate everyone.

My Mom already told me she will personally come to America so she can bring me back home to London but it was all a lie. It was just one of her pathetic excuses. Phoebe told me she's got engaged to another man. I was so confused and so hurt and then she dropped a bomb that my parents were never married. I believed they were for a long time. And for me to know this right now, where my trust on her is walking on eggshells, I snapped. I don't want to talk to anyone. Ever.

The school bus honked and Phoebe knocked on my door but I didn't answer. My eyes and head are still hurting from crying. My throat painful from all the shouting. All I want to do for the rest of the day is space out and sleep.

I know Josephine was here just last night because she slipped that picture under my door. I picked it up again from my bedside table, reading her cursive handwriting.

"evidence in case you deny it"

I want to smile at the thought of it because I sent her the same thing but I know hers has another meaning. Josephine seemed to be a good friend and my heart blooms with anticipation about what will be the next with our first kiss but now, I feel nothing but rage. My phone keeps on ringing and I ignore it. It's probably my mom, wanting to talk to me. Ironic really, when she can't even say the truth to my face.

I never believed when some people said heartbreak is the worst kind of pain and I wished I didn't felt it. But here we are. I think I'm slowly losing my mother. Slowly losing my faith in her. Slowly losing my trust. My tears wet my pillow once more and I can't help but sob. I had to deal with shitty people in this shitty country so I can just appease her. Make her proud that I can be on my own. Turns out I'm just in the way of what she really wanted.

I type a text to my Dad saying that I don't support Mom one bit and he replied right away.

"Someday, you'll understand her, son. Don't be angry too much."

Anger. Anger is the only thing in me right now and I don't care if it's too much. If my mother can do anything she wants with no regard to the feelings of other people, then maybe I can do it too. I tore the picture Josephine gave me in half and tossed it in the trash bin. I'm not supposed to let my guard down. I'm not supposed to be soft. So, I made a plan in my head.

Trust no one.

--

It's a regular school day and I decided to leave my bed for lying in it for so long. I don't know how long I was out of school but Phoebe said she talked to the principal and this is the day that I need to come in. I brush my teeth slowly and look at my face in the mirror. There are dark circles around my eyes and I feel hollow. Like a ghost even. Like that groom in Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. Phoebe might've watched it on repeat whenever spooky season is here.

"Hero, hurry. You don't want to be late!"

But I want to. I want to stay in the house and just do nothing. Phoebe's going out of her way to even drop me off to school when it's clearly out of her way to work. I appreciate her doing things to me and I'm more than thankful. And I still need to apologize for the mess that I made.

Once I'm downstairs, she practically shoved a brown bag to my chest, frantic and on the edge of panic.

"You don't have to drop me off, you know? The bus will be here in five minutes." I said to her while she's still opening and closing the cupboards, not even sure herself what she's looking for.

"I want to, okay? Sometimes you need to accept other people's help."

I gave her a tight smile and just kept to myself that it looks like she's the one in need of help. Once her hair is disheveled and she's all sweaty, she grabs her coat and the car keys, dropping them twice before she can properly open the door.

We stepped outside and nothing changed since I was last out. This is not home.

"Hi Hero! Hi Phoebe!" Josephine waved at me and looked at Phoebe, giving her sweetest smile.

Please don't offer her a ride. Please don't offer her a ride.

I chant to myself, hoping Phoebe can read my mind.

"Hop in! I'll drop you both to school."

Josephine hesitates but she's too kind to reject the offer. We slid inside, our seatbelts in place, while Phoebe checked and rechecked everything in the car.

"Okay, here we go." Phoebe said and the car started running.

I hate the fact that I'm here next to her. She smells like strawberries and she honestly looked like one. Her pink ponytail, her hair carefully nested on one shoulder. The way her backpack is neatly placed on her back. This girl is too perfect. I thought my mother was perfect too, but she wasn't.

"I did cheer try outs." She said all of a sudden. Phoebe gasped and said congratulations to her but I just looked at her funny. I can't see her as a cheerleader. She's too soft for that kind of stuff.

"Okay?"

"Friends should be happy if -"

"We're never friends." I cut her off and I didn't wait for her usual glossy eyes reaction. I just lay back on my seat waiting for this dreadful car ride to end.

Once we're at the front of Trinity, Josephine quickly got out and is obviously offended by what I said. Which was the truth, nonetheless.

"Why are you always like that to her? She's always been nice to you." Phoebe asked and I ignored. Instead, I opened the door and may have shut the door harder than I should have. I'm sick of people telling me how to feel. Or I'm just of telling myself how to feel.

The car sped off and all I can feel is emptiness inside me. I don't want to even apologize for what I said to Josephine. Maybe I should do that more often.

Booker and Nile sat with each other on one of the huge plant boxes with a sign saying "Thank you for not sitting."

"Bro, you were gone for so long. How are you?" Book asked and I just nod at him, not sure about the words I would like to say.

"Shut up, it's only been a week." I pop a gum in my mouth tasting the sweet and cool spearmint on my tongue.

"Anyways, you need to ask someone for the dance." Nile tells me.

"Dance? What dance?" I'm so confused. I've been in Trinity for almost three years and I never heard about a dance in the middle of Halloween.

"Not really a dance but a costume party." Book nods at me.

"Then why would I need to ask someone?"

"They will choose a duo by the end of the night, you know, like Prom King and Queen and then you get the grand prize." Nile winks at me as if I'm supposed to know what the grand prize is.

"Well, what is it?" I looked at them both, waiting for them to open their mouths.

"Girls and popularity. Of course, you'll get candies too." Nile winks at me and I almost hurl my bag on his face.

We walk inside the school with me thinking how ridiculous this costume party is. But I already know who to ask for this stupid dance.