ILYSB (it hurts)

[𝟸𝟻] sleepless struggle

Hero

I can't sleep. My brain is processing so many information that I really find useless but I'll think of it anyways. I would love some beer and get away from here and go to the cabin but I can't leave her here alone. I was thankful she declined the bar offer but I can see in her eyes she's hurt about something. It scares me so much that it's because of me but I will be so furious if ever Knox caused it. I can't admit it to her but I care for her too much. Ever since she announced at the dinner table when I came over, that she already has a boyfriend. I think it ignited something in me. Something shifted, for me, I guess. I just can't admit it out loud.

After a drive in the vast neighborhood, I honestly needed some air. I pull out a pack of cigarettes and my Zippo and made my way to the one room I enjoyed in this empty house. I would simply stay out in this room's balcony for hours. The view is amazing, specially at night when I can see all the lights from all the houses below. This is the only room with a jacuzzi and all other grand shit lined up. My mother loves beige so much so the accent of the room is mostly that. Plus she has odd sculptures put in every corner of the house to make it look, as she said "aesthetic", but I don't see the beauty of a pair of boobs with no head in the corner of the room.

I take a drag of my cigarette, feeling it burn in my throat, inhaled it some more and finally puff out the smoke. I look up the moon tonight, it's exceptionally bright. Illuminating most of the space I'm in. I can say this part of the house, just being able to feel the breeze on your skin, have a smoke or two or just stare into a celestial being on space, is one of the reasons I still come back. Of course, for the memory of me and my Dad hanging out as well.

I can hear some rustling inside the room and I stand to peek.

"Ah, shit!" I can see Josephine stripping down to her underwear, matching black cotton ones. I should look away but I can't. So I decided, I just need to get out of here. If I can jump ten feet without breaking any bones, that is.

If I can just walk through the walls without her seeing and hearing me, I would but fuck door hinges and their noises. She looks up at me wide-eyed when I opened the balcony door, covering her upper body.

"Sorry, I'll just go." I walk and put out my cigarette on the ashtray when I hear her calling to me.

"Please, stay." she said, softly. Almost a whisper but enough for me to hear it.

I sat down on the sofa inside the room. I know it sounds ridiculous but the interior designer of this house thought otherwise. I wanted to relax but I don't even know where to put my hands.

"Remember that one time we both got polaroid cameras?" she asked not looking at me. Her messy bun with most of her hair sticking to the skin on her nape just made me clear my throat.

"Yeah..." I answered, remembering all the pictures I took of her without her knowing.

"I kind of dug it before coming here but I wasn't able to take proper pictures ever since we came." She's still not looking at me. And I know she loves walking down the streets and taking pictures of everything. She loved the little things.

"We can do that tomorrow." I said, looking down at my hands not knowing what to say next. This conversation feels awkward as it is. But my feelings got the better of me. "Are you still -"

"Bleeding?" she looks up at me, those blue-gray eyes staring right through me. She shakes her head. "Not anymore. I can understand if you'll be traumatized by it. I won't tell another soul." She playfully gives me a smirk and I can't help but smile at her mischief.

There was an awkward silence that followed. I swear I can only hear both of us breathing inside the room.

"Knox and I broke up." She said out of the blue, looking up at me. I have my hands clasped together but I feel them sweating profusely and I only ever do that when playing on the field.