I paid a virgin

Chapter 46

Chapter Forty six

Passing time

Three months since I ended all sort of relationship with Trench. There was no sign of him after that lie I told that day. I tried to search him every day at school just to see how he was taking my final word. But he didn't come. It's like he disappeared from the face of the earth. 

I was expecting him to attend graduation, only to be disappointed when I didn't hear the principal announcing his name. According to the registrar office, his records are pulled out earlier by a known university in NYC. Seems like he attended college earlier than the graduating seniors. 

Every night I wondered if I can just talk to him, clarify things and pour all that had gotten me to lie. Yet, the face of his father swirling like beacon of warnings stop me from contacting him. The choice was for me: either choose my family or him. There's no debating what I'll choose again. But I just want to explain myself. He was so hurt, I inflict it.

I would never thought I can do such damage until I saw the evidence myself. To  these days I was still too bothered on what had I done. The guilt inside my consciousness was eating me so slowly that I let myself  be reckless. I know this whole situation will affect my entire life.

I only found out what I had done when my grasp of reality cope up with me. The memory of that day was ice clear. I wasn't the one who found out what's happening with my own body; it was Marty who discovered it. Weeks of checking if I was still functioning like a normal person, Marty found out how I lapse with every events going on in my surroundings. Who would blame me if my mind was full of regrets for what I did to the man I love? I was devastated as much as he felt. I neglected so badly I ended up facing another challenge in my life. A huge one just brewing in the horizon.

******

Trench POV

You know I would rather feel physical pain right now than tasting waves after waves of emotional pain. Physical can be manage by all sorts of pain reliver. Heck, get a morphine and put it in your system it would give you a break from the pain. Or even use those cheap pain medication and instant relieved will ease your ache. After that, it will be only a waiting game for that pain to heal or disappear for good.

As for that emotional pain, not even liquor can help, in fact it just added a sting to me. Someone suggest illegal drugs, I would have taken it if there's a guarantee I won't be addicted to it in the end. 

No.

I don't like to be dependent with that stuff even if I am profusely bleeding inside.

How can a person affect you so much, it almost incapacitate totally? Her firm disposal of another relationship that would potentially turn to something promising in the future, turned into ashes right in front of me after I poured my love to her. Yeah, I just suffered that unfortunate incident. 

And every day I just had to face the reality of her revengeful disposal . If moving on is an easy way to do, I think I might take that option right now. It's the only way to escape the dooming pain that suggest I'm still hang on with her.

I admit I did worrible things to her, but I don't think extreme hurtful vengeance is justified as my punishment when I told her how so sorry I was. Telling her the first time I saw and fell in love with her at first sight should had count. For heaven sake I waited for my first kiss and my first love making to happen with her, only her. I could have gotten everything my hormones wanted to satisfy as I grew up. I could have let temptation overruled me and bang all those desperate and craving girls that wanted me. But I didn't. I didn't because I felt like betraying her even if she doesn't know me yet. I want her, only her.

But everything doesn't go the way you wanted to be. That's my reality and what I'll live now until my aches found the remedy it's needed to heal.