𝐕𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐀 - wilbursoot

𝐭𝐞𝐧

It was now midnight. After spending most of the day together, Arabella and Vienna decided to part ways and head to their rooms. They both knew neither would be going to sleep, but that didn't matter much. Everyone needs alone time here and there.

Arabella walked into her room and tossed her phone on the bed. Turning on her lamp, she sat at her desk chair. Something was off today, with Vienna. As much as she thought Vienna was over it in the beginning, she knew now that she never was. Only, it seemed to be getting worse.

Finally, she snapped out of her thoughts and crawled into her bed, grabbing her phone. Deciding on watching youtube for the next few hours, since she hadn't missed any streams that day.

Vienna stood at her doorway. Staring out the window opposite of the room. She wasn't thinking. Her head was empty. Her mind an endless void. Nothing but silence filled the apartment. A comfortable silence, she assumed.

All of a sudden her face felt hot. Snapped out of her gaze into the dark night sky, she realized why. Tears. They were uncontrollably flowing from her eyes.

She'd been different this past year. As happy as she felt, she was always empty. Something was always missing. It was Wilbur. That's what was missing. She wished and wished it wasn't him, but it was undeniable.

At that moment she just wanted to collapse, and she did. Her knees were weak and she stumbles to the cold floor beneath her. Sobbing uncontrollably. She sat there for a while. Cold and broken...

After a few minutes she got up and walked to her bed. She sat down, one leg out and the other one tucked. A few seconds later, she turned to her nightstand and opens the drawer, taking out a pair of earphones, a journal, and a pencil.

She wasn't sure if she'd write anything. There were a million things she could write down right now. Even though that journal was the place she'd go to write things down she wouldn't tell anyone, she still felt like some things were better left in her mind. Eating away at any source of comfort and happiness she has left.

Grabbing the pair of earphones she'd tossed on the bed, she plugged them into her phone. Opening Spotify and playing Stand Still by Sabrina Claudio.

And finally, she hesitantly grabbed her journal. She had a habit of looking through her old work, remembering those times. Reflecting on them. Was she better, or still just getting worse?

She opened the journal sitting on her lap. Flipping through the tear-stained pages. The words written in graphite, some slightly smudged. Keeping record of her pain, and (rarely) happiness.

She'd gone through a little over half the journal now, skimming through the pages. Suddenly, a certain page caught her eye.

My mind is full of unsaid things. Mostly because I think some things are better left in my mind, but sometimes i just don't have a way of  saying them. i want to write a poem about you, but i have no idea how to describe the way your eyes shine in the light, how your smile made my whole world light up, and how i felt that moment we met. it seems almost indescribable.

She stopped, turning the page.

i miss our convo in the park. the cold, dark night. sitting at the playground. we'd both been very meticulous people that night. you could've told me me everything about you, going on for hours, and i'd never grow tired of it. your soothing voice and the way the words just rolled off your tongue. we were both trying our bests to figure ourselves out. i still love it. but i used to love it more. it hurts looking back. i never thought i'd fall in love. and then i didn't. was it just a dream? no, of course it wasn't. dreams don't make you feel this way. maybe i was in love. or am. although we never said it to each other, i think we both knew. is that why i cant stop thinking about you? loneliness really fucks you up, but the way you left told me everything.

She took a moment to breathe. Her eyes glossy. Slowly grabbing her pencil and turning the page, she began to write.

They lied when they said it gets easier. somethings out there. in my mind. i'm so tired of hearing myself think all the time. i constant feel "??!!??!!????!??" i have no clue what's going on in my life. how am i even surviving it. it's not just you. there's so much more in my mind, and no one to tell it to. i write because it makes me feel like someone's listening, or i'm finally listening to myself. i look at the things i wrote. some of it makes sense, but some of it lacks the passion i used to have. writing used to be for fun. when i felt inspired. now, it's a way for me to let go. actually, it's a way for me to hold on but still feel like someone's listening. some days i feel weak. nauseous, shivering, and shaking. my legs barely able to hold me up. my arms barely able to carry out the simplest things. i'm embarrassed to talk about how i feel on my grey days. it seems like lately, thats everyday. i'm always there. everyday is a different part of me. sometimes i'm tired of hiding those days, but i'm afraid of what they'll think. i'm trying my best. i really am. i just wish someone would be proud of me. i hope it doesn't come back. i hope it doesn't engulf me again. i hope i don't have to go back to therapy. i just want to be okay.

And with that, she stopped her music. Wiping away the tears that were coming out of her eyes, once again staining the pages. She wrapped her earphones and closed her journal. Returning them to the drawer that was their home.

She sat there a while, until getting under the covers and laying on her side. Staring out of the window while trying to steady her breathing. Soon enough, she fell asleep.

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authors note:

finally updated with my longest chapter yet. it's currently 2:30 am. thought i'd give more of what vienna's been feeling. anyways hope you enjoyed. thank you for 589 reads!!
happy holidays :)