𝐕𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐀 - wilbursoot

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧

~ time skip: three months ~

i've been to thirteen cities since my break. Birmingham, Cambridge, Chelmsford, Durham, Ely, Liverpool, Norwich, Portsmouth, Salisbury, Sunderland, Wells, Winchester, and Worcester. i know it was meant to be a week or so but it's been way past extended.

i didn't carry much, for i never stayed longer than a week. however, i bought a small souvenir at every place i visited. one for every place she made me go. so one day, i could show her what she'd done.

i was always on the road, perhaps chasing the horizon. the months passing by. i haven't been home in three, i haven't talked to anyone in two and half, and i haven't felt like myself in two. i've thought about going back. clicking that go live button, doing those silly little streams, putting on that fake smile. except it wasn't always fake. some days i did enjoy myself, but that was when i was loathing in my miserable past.

i think i'm just losing my mind. like i'm one click away from insane. it's not just her. it's not just the streams. it's not just where i live. it's who i am. i hate who i've become outside of my online persona. i just sit and think about every aspect of my life.

~ three months ~
[present time]

her, vienna. the way she made me feel the night we met. it was almost unreal. i never would've imagined that a stranger on the street would mean this much. i guess i set myself up for it when i opened up to her. but can i really blame myself? she was warm and welcoming. she was gorgeous. and funny. she wasn't judgmental, almost like she understood what i went through. i knew this would happen, yet it still hurts.

~ 4 months ~

him, theo. the one i trusted most. my friend since childhood. the one who pushed me to be the best i could be. the one who was there when no one else was. i've learned a lot from him the years we were friends. but most importantly, i learned that sometimes the people you look up to and trust the most can sort of- can sort of... betray you. and that's ok. that's fine. it's a losing battle after all. it's just a matter of time...

~ five months ~

them, my family. as much as i hated them for how they treated me, i always loved them. i still do. somewhere in my heart. i'll always care for them, even if they don't care back. my childhood is full of stories untold. stories buried deep inside of me. stories that haunt me and taunt me in every way. stories i eventually have to face. and until then, they remain.

~ six months ~

them, my friends. i loved them all dearly. i care for every single one. and i appreciate everything they've done for me. for being there along the way. for every step and milestone. it truly meant the world to me. however, sometimes i wonder how they would react if i had just disappeared. much like i am now. guess we'll find out soon enough.

~  seven months ~

i think i'm closer to an end. i've come to terms with the fact that i cant be gone forever. i have people who care about me probably worries about where i've been. and ofc all my followers who haven't seen me stream in months. it's almost time to go. to give this up.

~ eight months ~

i guess it's time. after eight months of being away, it's time to return. return to the life of everyday being the same. the same damn thing everyday. but maybe, just maybe things will be different when i get back. maybe i'll get better. maybe it'll all get better.

it's awfully windy tonight as i sit alone in this park. it's currently midnight. i'm on my way home. home home. i'm usually one to keep to myself, but this part of me dies here. so, i may as well tell you the story.

it's gonna be difficult to say this, but i really am gonna miss this. i really will miss this. i've learned a lot over these past few months.  i've learned you can't always have your way. i can run and run but they're always right behind me.

i've tried learning more about myself. my passion for music being a way to express things i cannot speak. and i'm pretty damn good at it too. who knew writing could be so easy when you've got so much trauma built in you. heh.

i learned that even though i was constantly lied to in my past, i still trust people fairly easily. something i need to work at. i cant make myself vulnerable anymore. that's what gets you hurt. i'm tired of always being hurt.

i learned to adapt to change, sometimes it's for good.
i learned to accept things, whether i liked it or not.
i learned to keep quiet, some things are better left unsaid.
i learned to move on, no ones gonna wait for you.

_____________________________________________________
authors note:

another update in less than a week, who am i?
as always, hope you enjoyed.
if you get a lot of notifs that i updated, i didnt!! i'm actually gonna be fixing my chapters (spelling, grammar, blah blah)  and adding to the introduction (tw and disclaimer) now. that's all, bye :)