The ultimate joke book

One liner jokes

I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793

You were too lazy to read that number.

Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

When a two year old hands you their ringing toy phone, no matter how baddass you think you are, you answer it.

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.

A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table.

Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world ?

Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over.

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks? 

Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? 

A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? 

Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? 

A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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