The ultimate joke book

Funny jokes 2

Guess

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you

guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Sleep

Sleep is my drug....my bed is my dealer....and my alarm clock is the police.

Dont exaggerate

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times don't exaggerate!

Donations

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards

the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Light travels...

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Frisbee

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Maths problems

Why be difficult - Be impossible.

Too loud

If the music's too loud you're too old.

Lawyers daughters

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

A. Sue

Success and failure

Ever Wonder? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Number 2

If pencil #2 is the most popular why is it still number 2?

Dinosaur

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Chickens didn't exist yet.

Two sons

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

One of those days

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

Broken

Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?

A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

Microchips

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?

A: Microchips!

90 degrees

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

Nails

: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

A: Fingernails.

Monkey

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

Personality

"Hey Jim!" said Jim's friend Sam. "If you stick out your tongue I can read your personality." Jim promptly stuck out his tongue. Sam's reading was quick in coming, "I can tell from your tongue that you are gullible!"