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Funny short stories 2

Money

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.

'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry

on shopping.

A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'

Eddie never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'

New diet

Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds, 'his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

'Why, that's amazing, 'the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'

Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'

'Why, from hunger?' asked his doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'

Mexican village

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist, Tony, complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. 'Not very long,' answered Gener, the fisherman.

'Then why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?' asked Tony. Gener explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Tony inquired, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'

'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.'

Tony interrupted rather rudely, 'I have a Business Studies degree and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat, catch even more fish. With the extra money you will soon be able to buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Cancun, Acapulco, Los Angeles, or even New York City. From there you can direct your huge enterprise.'

'How long would that take?' wondered Gener, the Mexican fisherman. 'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied Tony condescendingly. 'And after that?' Gener asked.

'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the sea, sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandchildren, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings in the village, dancing, playing the guitar, and singing with your friends.'

Relationships

Steve Cleary was in his early 50's, retired and had started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.

'Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'

'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Steve.

'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'

Ten pounds

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten pounds and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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