The ultimate joke book

Quotes

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Note from the author

Thank you sooo much for reading I really appreciate it.

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Funny quotes

Im not lazy, im just on energy saving mode.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.  — Ellen Degeneres

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.  — Ziad K. Abdelnour

May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.

Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!” is my favorite.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  — Winnie the Pooh

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.  — William Shakespeare

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.

I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.— Bill McGlashen

Of course I’m not perfect; there’s a crack in my ass!

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap, she’s up.’

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.

A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.

Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.

“Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.”— Unknown

“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”— Unknown

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’— Tommy Cooper

“I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.”— Wade Stokan

If you watch Home Alone backwards, it’s a story about two men who are helped out of traps by a young child, who then cleans them up. Then, the child’s family comes home and yells at him.

I did a few researchers to get that information.— Ellen Hasselbalch

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Life quotes

1. Life isn’t about getting and having, it’s about giving and being.

. –Kevin Kruse

2. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. –Napoleon Hill

3. Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. –Albert Einstein

4. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.  –Robert Frost

5. I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse. –Florence Nightingale

6. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. –Wayne Gretzky

7. I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. –Michael Jordan

8. The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart

9. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. –Babe Ruth

10. Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone

11. We must balance conspicuous consumption with conscious capitalism. –Kevin Kruse

12. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. –John Lennon

13. We become what we think about. –Earl Nightingale

14.Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore, Dream, Discover. –Mark Twain

15.Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. –Charles Swindoll

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