The ultimate joke book

Funny arguments

My shout outs are for MoonshineGhost, Cradle_of_Thought, Naughty-Cookie, TheThoughtfulGirl and BeeTVDTO18.

Cake

Me: "I'd like to order a cake."

Person: "Alright, what size cake did you want?"

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Person: "And what did you want the cake to say?"

Me: "Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?"

Person: "Okay..."

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Me: "I'd like a refund."

Person: "I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. What is wrong with it?

Me: "He said no!"

A couple arguing

Lady: I suggested that in the new house we build him a secret door upstairs.

Man: "Um, why?"

Lady: "You know, so that whenever I annoy you with my non stop nagging/whinging/whatevs, you can just open it and walk out. I'm thinking it should just be a door with a platform attached and a very deep plunge pool underneath. That way, you can just open the door, walk to the end of the platform and take a nice refreshing dip in a pool!"

Man: *laughs* "I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but that is actually really funny. You should write a sitcom. I could be the star of the show and you could call it "I Don't Have Time For This Shit."

Lady: "Ok, well two things. First thing, there's no point in making you the star of the show because if it was a sitcom based on our life together at the moment, you'd pretty much just be opening the door to the platform and leaping off it, so nobody would ever see you. Second thing, I think you'll find that title would actually be the name of your Auto-Biography."

Man: *laughs* I'm assuming some sort of random sarcastic facial expression from me. Because if nothing else, I do sarcasm in borderline tense situations really well.

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