The ultimate joke book

Funny tweets 2

My shout outs are for @tyty1029, ThePurpleScorcerer, otakusrule143, tayloryuill_taylz and adventureworld.

General tweets

Holiday

Recreate your holiday by wandering into Greggs wearing swimming trunks, pointing at a sausage roll, shouting TWO and paying with a £50 note.

Superman

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

Dog muffin

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?

Apples

-Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.

Frickin eye

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

PS4

@BadManBugti Safe badman, we gettin sum more PS4 tings in wivin da next week y'get me. Soz bout da attitude, probz avin a bad day yo.

Hand

Sir, sir, if you con, SIR IF CONTUNUE TO RAISE YOUR VOICE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE SIR.

Browser history

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the toilet.

Godzilla

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

Fortune

Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL

Critize me

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Win a war

They'll never win a war on drugs. It's hard enough to win a war even when you're not on drugs.

Nervous?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Dominoes pizza

FACT: We often get guys on dates who order Plain but ask us to put Extra Hot flags in their chicken.#justsaying

David Attenborough

And here we see a wild bus drinking water from a river.

The front of the queue at Thorpe Park

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

Images are unexpected in the bagging area

Boop" - Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

Morning thoughts

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off

Movies

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them

Hoover

Once you've seen a guy walking his pet Hoover, there is really nothing left to see.

Swing

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"

Advertising

Invent a drink called "Responsibly" and your advertising is set forever

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