The ultimate joke book

Short jokes

Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn't do?

Teacher: No

Me: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Boyfriend: Bitch

Girlfriend: I been called worse

Boyfriend: Like what

Girlfriend: your girlfriend

Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

The only thing I use BING for is to search Google.

Me: would you wear shoes if you had no feet?

Girl: No,of corse not

Me: Then why do you wear bras?

Can you see the the mistake?

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Like if you found it ;)

When the person you hate the most falls down, you ask the ground if its okay.

Dear Algebra

please stop asking us to find your x

she is not coming back

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest.

69% Percent of people will find something wrong with this sentence.

So who was the first guy to see an egg come out of a chickens ass and say, "I'm gonna eat that"?

I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.

Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.

Fact 3: You just tried it. 

Fact 4: You're smiling. 

Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again. 

Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5. 

Fact 8: You just checked it. 

Fact 9: You're smiling again. 

Fact 10: If like this vote or comment please. :)

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up* 

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" 

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *walks away*

I was in in the public toilet,

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other toilet: 

"Hi, how are you?" 

Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 

Toilet: "So what are you up to?" 

Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 

Toilet: "Can I come over?" 

Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 

Other toilet: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in The other toilet: who keeps answering all my questions!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. 

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Husband (watching a video):

Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?

Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said