The ultimate joke book

Word play jokes 2

My shout outs are for LOUBEARTOMLINSON, iForevah, GorgeousJayla, alexandra_4242 and DreamWriter112.

Rapper

Just stood next to a famous rapper in the bathroom.

P. Diddy?

Gordon Ramsey

People are giving Gordon Ramsay a hard time because his brother is a heroin addict. Don't they know not to judge a cook by its brother?

Chat magazine

I was reading Chat magazine the other day. Have you heard of Chat magazine? It's a French magazine about cats.

Happy easter

Just seen someone had gone to the trouble of putting up a sign outside a restaurant saying 'Happy Easter' and left the 's' out.

Surname

Doctor Doctor! Do you think that your surname influenced the choice of your career.

Boomerang

I couldn't for the life of me remember how you throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Nerd side

Come to the nerd side; we have pi

Minor

Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.

Pencil

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I'm giving up now, it's pointless.

Swallowed a few coins

A friend's dog managed to swallow a few coins; he's keeping his eye on it, but says there's no change yet.

Juggle

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don't have the balls to do it.

Boiled egg

It's hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

Wrapped

I've just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

Envelope

I've been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationery.

Turned grey

I'm okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I'd dye.

13amp

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

Local school

A teacher at the local school had to go for an eye test; he couldn't control his pupils.

Dry cleaners

I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Terrible

Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it's fully recovered.

Fortune teller

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Invisible ink

How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

Scared

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Beaver

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I've ever seen.

Bend

I've never been able to bend the truth; I think it's a lie ability.

Short sleeves

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Signs

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS'?

Cultures

In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.

42.7%

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Two hats

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Worms

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Friend

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don't shout 'Hi Jack!'

Local recycling

At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.

Trap doors

Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.

Self esteem

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Reading

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Stamp collector

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? 'Philately will get you no where'.

Butcher

Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he's got a little behind in his work.

Attention

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

Humor

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

Eagles

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doughnuts

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the h

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