The ultimate joke book

Funny one liners 2

The shout outs are for neonswimmer13,reader131824,BriannaOvervoldSlayt, CuteLittleLie and 5_secondsofbelieve. Go and check out their books and give them some support please.

Starbucks

When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!

Technology

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their bottom with an IPad.

Phone

When a two year old hands you their ringing toy phone, no matter how baddass you think you are, you answer it.

Music

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.

Microwave

I'm the kind of person who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Hard drive

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

Gym

When people are in the gym they are gonna be like... blink if you want me.

Brains

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

In front

If someone is spitting behind you, it means you’re in front.

Escalators

Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs

Drunk

We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.

Conscience

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Blind man

A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.

Pizza

Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.

What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.

Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.

Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.

Lost

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Childproof

I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

Incorrectly

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

Sleep

Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer….and my alarm clock is the police.

Don't exaggerate

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times don’t exaggerate!

Swimming pool

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards

the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Marriage

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

Mouth

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

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