The ultimate joke book

Funny puns

Lettuce

As I was taking a walk with my daughter one day, I noticed something green in her hair. To my disbelief I pulled out a piece of lettuce from her hair. "Whoa!" she exclaimed, "is there anything else in there?" she asked. "Oh no!" I joked. "That was just the tip of the Iceberg!"

Left and right

Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right, so I left.

Time

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Clock

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Boiled egg

A boiled egg every morning is hard to beat.

Fish tank

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Err...so how do you drive this thing?"

Camouflage

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

Dentist

I've been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.

Lightning

Being struck by lightning is a shocking experience!

Geometry

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Chicken

A chicken crossing the road is truly poultry in motion.

Knight

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from far too much pi.

Seafood

I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a mussel.

Photo

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Antennas

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant!

Reading

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Baseball

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.4.I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

Interest

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Balls

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Bakery

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

Boomerang

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

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