The ultimate joke book

Funny quotes 2

My shout outs are for McDonoughImagines, tayloryuill_taylz,Oilers1,DetroitLover357 and Merlizxx.

Locks

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Money

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Luggage

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Peeing

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Doctors

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Spending

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Bingo

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Therapist

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Dogs and cats

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Knowledge

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

No offence

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

Deadlines

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Marry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Tell the truth

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

Idiot

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Bargin

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Succeed

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Sleeping pill

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Patience

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.

Brakes

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

2 years of their life

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Living

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Happiness

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Wrong

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Father

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

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