The ultimate joke book

Clean jokes

Humpty dumpty

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? 

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Remember

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

10 things I know about you

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?

A: Because they are two-tired!

Coffee

“Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud.”

Waiter- “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”

Why...

Q. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

A. Because he was too chicken.

Squirrel

Q.How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

Work

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

Falling

If you fall I will be there ~ floor

No ears

There was a boss looking to hire someone. But, this boss had one funny thing about him, he didn’t have any ears and was very sensitive about it. First day someone comes for an interview and does great on the exam. Then the boss asks him “do you notice anything funny about me”? After pausing for a second he says “yes, you don’t have any ears”. The boss throws him out.

Next day another guys comes in. He too does great on the exam. The boss asks him if he noticed anything funny about him. He start stuttering and fidgeting trying to get out of the situation. The boss urges him “c’mon tell me what’s funny” finally he tells him “you don’t have ears”. The boss throws him out too.

Third day another guy comes in. He aces the exam and the boss is very excited. Then the boss asks him ” do you notice anything funny about me”? He thinks for a second and then replies “Yes , you wear contact lenses”.Amazed the boss asks him “Wow, how did you know that”? To which he responds “Easy, you don’t have any ears so you can’t wear glasses”!!!

Lottery

John asks his wife ” hey, honey what would you do if I won the Lotto tomorrow?”

She says, “I’d take my half and leave you!”

“Excellent! I won 12 bucks, here’s 6 now get the heck outa here….

Flights of stairs

Jay, Tom and Paul were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Jay said to Tom and Paul, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Tom can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Paul will tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”

At the 26th floor, Jay stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Tom stopped singing and Paul began to tell sad stories.

“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car.”

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