The ultimate joke book

Funny logic

My shout outs are for Imloopsie, livilovilolipopdeutc, RedLolipopGirl, BunnyGabby and C8ebugflute.

Coffee

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of 'Being and Nothingness'.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Bottle

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes - so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?"

Sherlock and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Odd number

I am an odd number. Take away one letter and I become even. What number am I? 

Answer: Seven (take away the ‘s’ and it becomes ‘even’).

Addition

Using only addition, how do you add eight 8’s and get the number 1000? 

Answer: 888 + 88 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 1000

Three times her age

Sally is 54 years old and her mother is 80, how many years ago was Sally’s mother three times her age? 

Answer: 41 years ago, when Sally was 13 and her mother was 39.

Numbers

Which 3 numbers have the same answer whether they’re added or multiplied together?

Answer: 1, 2 and 3.

5 apples

There is a basket containing 5 apples, how do you divide the apples among 5 children so that each child has 1 apple while 1 apple remains in the basket? 

Answer: 4 children get 1 apple each while the fifth child gets the basket with the remaining apple still in it.

Digits

There is a three digit number. The second digit is four times as big as the third digit, while the first digit is three less than the second digit. What is the number? 

Answer: 141

Upside down

What word looks the same backwards and upside down? 

Answer: SWIMS

Same

Two girls were born to the same mother, at the same time, on the same day, in the same month and in the same year and yet somehow they’re not twins. Why not? 

Answer: Because there was a third girl, which makes them triplets!

Rung

A ship anchored in a port has a ladder which hangs over the side. The length of the ladder is 200cm, the distance between each ladder is 20cm and the bottom ladder touches the water. The tide rises at a rate of 10cm an hour. When will the water reach the fifth ladder? 

Answer: The tide raises both the water and the boat so the water will never reach the fifth ladder.

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