The ultimate joke book

Long jokes 2

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Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. 

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. 

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I left the keys downstairs.

Watches

There were three men on a hill with their watches. 

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. 

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. 

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. 

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. 

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

Flying

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying. 

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb. 

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and it was in perfect timing it sounded like the bomb was his fart.

Hair

Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette a red head and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown. 

The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.

Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."

Speaking

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess". 

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you". 

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years. 

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

English, Irish and Scottish

There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman....

One day they came across a ladder and climbed up it... as one does...

At the top of the ladder there was a genie and she said: "As you go down this slide, shout out whatever you want to land in..."

So the Englishman shouted "Gold!"

The Scotsman shouts "Silver!"

And Irishman shouted"Weeeeeeeee!"

Chihuahua

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. 

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." 

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." 

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." 

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

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