The ultimate joke book

Clean jokes 2

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Keep pedaling

A woman needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting."

Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.

"What's wrong?" asked my friend.

"The traffic light's red," she replied.

Speaking parrot

Dewey goes to a pet shop, and there he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.

He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string, he speaks French; if you pull the green string, he speaks German," replies the shopkeeper.

"And what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?" asks Dewey.

"I fall off my perch!" squawks the parrot.

Beep

My brother-in-law was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Speeding motorists

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

Being smart

One man started a fight with the others. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”

The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

The perfect son

One man started a fight with the others. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”

The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

Awkward

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

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