Hearing my words

Chapter 16

Three weeks later

Sanem's book was now in bookstores and she would be starting her book tour in two days. She had packed what she wanted to take with her.  One of the items she was taking was the feather pen that Can had given her. 

She was thinking about that night, the night she thought she would be leaving the agency and the night he was suppose to leave again. They had sit in his truck, neither one saying what they felt in their hearts, instead, they said senseless words, about how it was best. Her heart had hurt that night, she loved him so much but so many things had happened, she knew he was having trouble trusting her and she didn't blame him, she wasn't sure that she trusted herself.

Tonight she was sitting on her balcony looking at the sea, she loved the sea. The way the waves rushed to shore to slowly go back into itself. Bringing shells and seaweed, washing away the footprints and sand castles left that day.  The coast had always called her name, soothed her soul but tonight it seemed to be speaking to her. She sat very still, listening to the words the waves whispered. She thought how she and Can always went to the coast when they were hurting or needed to think. How many times had they met on the coast to talk, to fight, to love. She sat up quickly, the waves seemed to be calling Can's name. This made her think of what Osman had said when he called her.  The words he had said about Can, and how instead of going to the agency, he spent most of his day either in the butcher shop or sitting in my room at my parents home. But, what had brought her to the balcony to watch the sea was the fact that Osman said Can was numb, defeated. Had she done that to him by leaving? What if he had left her first, would she have been defeated? Would she have continued to write or just become a shell within herself? She truly believed if she had stayed, she would have never written another word in her journal because she wouldn't have the words to write because without him, without Can, there were no words.

She quickly drank the rest of her wine and picked up her phone. She sat there for a while longer, thinking, starting to dial and then stopping. What is wrong with you Sanem? Just call the man said her inner voice. She laughed then, the voice that had fought her and told her to stay away from Can was now telling her to call him. 

Before she lost her nerve, she dialed his number, it rang several times and she thought he was not going to answer, she was about to hung up and then she heard his voice, devoid of emotion, impassive, he sounded as if he were mourning. She could hardly hear him.

"Hello"

She took a deep breath "Can, it's Sanem."

She didn't hear anything for a few seconds, then she heard a shuddered breath. "Sanem"

"Yes, it's me." she said "I wanted to know if you received a copy of my book?"

"Evet"

Oh, Allah, is he only going to answer with one word responses.

"Have you read it?"

"I am trying, I" he stopped. "It is hard for me to read about how badly you were used and treated, even by me, I treated you badly."

"Yes, you did but I understand why you had trust issues."

"No, I treated you badly. knowing how everyone treated you, it was not right, I should have been the one who protected you, loved you without question. I loved you, I should have treated you better. I should have learned how  to love someone by the way I was treated."

"Oh, Can"

"Listen my baba loved me but he was not always around, his work kept him busy. Huma left me thinking I wouldn't be effected by her leaving. I don't know why she left, how she could leave one son and take the other. Even my tears, the tears of her young son didn't affect her. She told me to stop crying and walked out the door."

"Can, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes"

"How were you suppose to know how to treat me? Have you ever loved someone before me? And I don't mean Emre or you baba, I mean a woman, who would build a life with you. Have you ever seen that type of love?"

He was so quiet that she wasn't sure he was going to answer "No, until I saw your parents, I didn't know how couples were suppose to love each other. And I, I never loved anyone other than you."

She could hear the sadness in his voice, thought she heard him cry, tears were falling from her eyes.

"I am going to be starting my book tour in a couple of days" she paused then said "Would you like to meet me in one of the cities and have dinner?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am, I want to see you, I need to see you. I have missed you."