Hearing my words

Chapter 19

Sanem was packed and had called for a bellhop to come and get her bags, he would take them to a storage area while she met Mihriban was lunch. She walked into the hotel restaurant, she knew she was a little early but that would give her time to settle herself. 

She had been up most of the night thinking about Can and what they had talked about yesterday. She was more confused, she loved him she knew that but she was so afraid of losing herself again in him.

Staring out the window deep in thought she didn't see the other woman until she was walking toward their table. With a big smile on her face she walked over and sat at the table. 

"Merhaba" said Sanem.

"Good day to you." she looked at the younger woman and grinned "Did you have a late night?"

"Yes, but not for the reason you are thinking." she answered  "I had a lot on my mind and had trouble sleeping."

"Ah, I assume the young man you met yesterday has you confused."

"To say the least, ours is a very confusing relationship." she smiled

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes" Sanem answered

"The story is about you and this young man, am I right?"

Sanem shook her head "Yes, it is our story."

"Was yesterday the first time you have seen him in a while?"

"Yes, after we argued at the mountain hut, I left, I left Istanbul before he could leave me."

"How do you feel about him?"

"Oh, I love him, I believe I always will. I don't think I will ever attempt to fall in love again. He is my one." she paused "Seeing him yesterday only confirmed how much I love and miss him. But our relationship was healthy, as you probably realized from the book."

The other woman smiled "I understand, I have never loved another since my true love walked away."

"I am so sorry."

"That is a story for another day." she said "I must confess, I overheard most of your conversation yesterday. He loves you also. What are you afraid of?"

"I am afraid that if I give him another chance that all will be well until he decides that I have made another mistake. I am not sure he can fully trust me. I am afraid that I will become so consumed with him again that I lose the person I have become."

"And what person have you become?"

"I am stronger, able to stand on my own, to stand up for myself. I have learned to live on my own. Also I am not as easily fooled as I was. I still trust easily but there is also a doubt in the back of my mind."

"I heard you say that you didn't want to go back and live with your parents because they, I know these aren't your exact words but the meaning I got from what you said was, that your parents would smother you, question what you are doing, where you are going? Is that true?"

"Yes, in a way, the mahalla I came from has very strict rules, that we have always lived by. I have had to live up to their standards and my parents have been ashamed by some of my actions. They would try to control what I do, especially now. I have been living on my own now for a few months and I know that I couldn't live under that scrutiny now."

The waiter came over and they placed their lunch orders. They talked and got to know each other more and more. Sanem knew she would like for this woman to become her friend and keep in contact. They talked and laughed as if they had known each other for a long time.

"I would love to keep in touch." said Mihriban

"Evet! I was just thinking that also.  I feel as if I have know you for a long time. I am so glad you were at the book reading and asked me to lunch."

"How much longer is your book tour?"

"I have three more readings then I will go back to Kas and think about what I need to do."

"Are you going to ask your young man to come to another reading?"

"I don't know, I am going to think about it. I am going home for a few days before my next stop on the tour and think. I will probably call and talk to him but to see him again. I don't know."

"Ah, Sanem, I know you are afraid."

"What if I take that chance and then he reacts to something I do the same way again, I am not sure I can survive that again. I would be devastated, destroyed, defeated. For a while, I was numb, empty inside. I shook at night with the pain and loneliness. I was like a bird with a broken wing, wanting to fly." she stopped and took a shuddering breath. "I can't live without trust, not again. Living in Kas has helped to heal me, my soul is better, my heart lighter. Yes, I miss him but I don't miss how everyone interfered, all the issues we had. Going back to Istanbul without a place for me to be able to hide and breath. I am not sure I can. Not just yet anyway."

"I lost my true love, along time ago. I walked away from him also. He broke my heart but no one could ever take his place in my heart. I decided to live alone rather than try again. I would love to see him again but I am also afraid not because of what it could do to me but what if he didn't continue to love me."

"Seems we both have loved unforgettable men." said Sanem.

"Here is my number, please keep in touch. When you decide or before you make a final decision call me, I may have a solution to your coming home." They stood and hugged. Sanem watched as her new friend walked away. She tucked the piece of paper with the phone number into her bag and walked out.