The Stag and The Harpy | James Potter

Sirius

{I love Mia so much. That's all I have to say}

Phoebe never went to see James after her discussion with Mia, instead she went straight to the guest room.

She'd cried again when she saw that subtle additions had been made to the room she'd stayed in last time.

Trinkets like sea shells and bottles of sand replaced tiny busts of historical wizards. Books on magical creatures replaced books on the ministry. There was a round rug on the wood floors, softening the over all appearance. It was beautiful and simple and it caused more emotion to spill out of her in the form of sloppy tears and snot, much to her chagrin.

She gathers herself quickly, changing into her flannel pajamas and shedding the clothes that were covered in tears and guilt. She tries to sleep, tosses and turns for some time. But it's too much. It's all too much.

After a few hours she tiptoes to her things, pulling on her coat and slippers. As quietly as she can she makes her way down the stairs and out onto their back porch. Snow blankets thegarden, hiding trees and what she knows will be beautiful blooms come springtime.

She pulls out a slender cigarette from the pocket of her coat, nonchalantly lighting it with flame that erupts softly from her fingertips. She jumps when she hears softly,

"Light mine, would you?"

Standing behind her is Sirius Black, his own cigarette dangling between his fingertips. Phoebe reaches out her hand, smiling slightly at Sirius as he brings the cigarette to his mouth and lights it on her flame. He chuckles, blowing out a large puff of smoke.

"Can't believe you can do that, Pheebs."

"Me either."

Sirius studies her silently, moving to stand next to her. The pair look out across the yard silently. Phoebe interrupts the quiet, her voice muffled by the surrounding snow,

"Will I ever get used to it?"

Sirius glances at her out of the corner of his eye. He smiles gently at her question.

"People loving you?"

Phoebe nods, eyeing him with wide eyes that show how desperate she is for the answer.

"No," He says finally. She blinks once and turns back to the snow, gracing him with her sharp profile. He slowly continues, "I don't think I'll ever get used to the Potters. Hell, Pheebs. I still get scared that Marlene is going to tell me to fuck off one day. But that's a good thing, because it means I have something to lose. I've never had that before."

Phoebe quickly swipes away a tear lingering on her face, taking a long drag from her cigarette. She holds it until it burns before she exhales, saying flatly, "I'm a terrible person."

"Do you think I'm a terrible person?" Sirius asks, chuckling when she rapidly shakes her head.

"Then how are you a terrible person?"

"Because," Her voice is tight, choked by the lump in her throat. "Because I wish that my mum had been more like Mia. How awful is that? She's dead, and I'm mad at her still."

"You aren't supposed to just forgive her," Sirius says firmly. "Just because she's dead. She loved you and I know that you love her, but you're allowed to be mad at her. You're allowed to wish that things had been different."

Phoebe swallows and blinks away more tears. She's always been able to talk to Sirius about these things. Because he knew. He understood.

"I'm mad at Regulus," Sirius says quietly. "But I still love him. Even if he does stupid things that I know he shouldn't. I still love him."

Phoebe peers up at him from underneath her wet lashes. She hesitates, the thing she promised she wouldn't tell Sirius right on the tip of her tongue. Instead she whispers, "I'm scared for him."

Sirius nods, sucking out another puff of tobacco. He sighs, looking up at the night sky. His eyes find and map the constellations easily.

"I'm scared too. Scared that I've lost him."

"I'm scared I'm losing James."

Sirius doesn't even look at her, just barks out a laugh.

"It's not funny," Phoebe mumbles around some smoke. "He wont....he won't touch me. I think he's scared of me."

"He's scared he's losing you," Sirius points out, finally returning his gaze to her. Phoebe blinks at him in surprise, her brow furrowed. He grins and explains, "He's trying not to scare you off, Pheebs. He's trying to be as supportive as possible, but he knows that this is difficult for you. Hell, he still gets nervous when I disappear for a while. When James loves, he loves hard."

Phoebe snorts, toeing some snow with her slightly damp slipper.

"I hardly doubt he loves me."

Sirius smirks knowingly and shrugs.

"Don't you? Love him?"

Phoebe feels fear at the question, but an overwhelming sense of reassurance that she didn't often have. It's hard to say, so it comes out nearly silent.

"Yes. Of course."

"Well," Sirius drawls, gently nudging her. "Perhaps if you tell him, he won't feel like he's holding onto you for dear life. Perhaps he'll touch you."

Phoebe grins slightly, her cheeks flushed.

"When did you become the smart one?" She asks, purposefully blowing smoke in his face. Sirius smirks and sighs dramatically,

"I've always been the smart one. It's quite the burden, Pheebs. You should try it sometime."

"Oh come off it, you bloody dog," She laughs quietly, shaking her head. She bends down to put out her cigarette in the snow, pocketing the stub so as not to litter in the garden. She turns and faces her friend, looking up into his eyes. They used to seem darker to her, like tarnished steel. Now, his eyes seemed more like hers and it brought a smile to her lips.

"I wish Regulus could be with us," She says gently, seeing the tiny flash of pain on his face. He doesn't cover it however, something he did when they first met. He sighs and replies quietly, "Me too. I'd like to have my brother and sister in the same place for the holidays."

Phoebe feels warmth blossom in her chest, heating her body despite the cold. She laughs when he sticks out his arms, walking into his embrace eagerly and deciding that this was when she would start telling the people she loved what she was feeling when she felt it.

"I love you, Sirius. You're the brother I never had."

Sirius smiles and burrows his face in her hair, chuckling deep in his chest. Two broken children that once recoiled at affection tighten their embrace.

"I love you too, Phoebe. With my whole heart."