❝A Journey To Remember❞ The Hobbit | Kili

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❝A Journey To Remember❞
Kili
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{S A F F R O N}

I continued to ponder on the things Fili had said only moments ago, and I knew I needed to thank him in some way, form, or fashion. I stood to my feet, looking to the left of where he had gone in the distant, seeing the back of him walking away from my destination.

"Fili!" I called out trying to catch up to him as he stopped, turned, and waited for me to reach him physically. "I- uh," I paused taking in a breath. "I just wanted to thank you," I smiled. "For everything you've ever done on my sake," I exhaled a small breath. "You've always been there for me, and I really owe you more than you think." I sighed as Fili kept his gaze transfixed upon me, he didn't leave his stance; only looking deep into my soul. He looked to me with nothing more than what seemed to be sorrowful weight in his eyes. He stood there, his breath becoming shaky as he glanced down to my lips. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was something radiating off of him that I had never seen before; making my hands become sweaty.

Fili slowly lowered his head towards mine, I stood there, not exactly sure what was happening in this short moment. I could feel his hot breath brushing against my nose, my breath caught as he found his way closer to my figure before surely; he stopped in his tracks. I watched as he curled his hands into fists at his side, his gaze now falling to the ground, preventing himself from what seemed to be some form of affection he desperately desired to show.

"Saffron?" I heard an all too familiar voice rumble through the halls as I turned my figure towards the man behind me. My body now faced into the direction of Kili, seeing uttermost genuine hurt and pain coming from his eyes as he dropped some glistening object; the item falling to the ground.

"Brother, this is not-"

"No!" Kili shouted interrupting his brother, as I took a few steps closer to Kili's figure, hoping he didn't assume what would have easily been seen by others. I didn't want the man I love to have faults and accusations against my good will.

"Kili, please listen-"

"Don't say," Kili interrupted me in anger, "Another word," he exhaled a deep breath, taking a step closer to my figure. "I know exactly what just happened," Kili stated, his eyes beginning to glossen. "How could I have ever trusted you?" He questioned shaking his head. "How could I have let myself trust you once again?" He questioned. "I should've never forgiven you. I was too blind to see the truth," he stated as I shook my head, feeling the tears welling up inside. "I was such a fool," Kili spat. "To think you changed for even a second!"

"Please-"

"No!" He shouted cutting me off. "I won't listen to an untruthful bastard," he paused. "A disgraceful soul," he sighed taking one step closer to me. "And a killer of my own heart!" He snapped as I shook my head, trying to hold the tears from falling down as Kili stared me down in pain and disregard. "I thought I knew you, Saffron," he paused, taking a step back. "And for one second, I thought you changed." A tear fell down his cheek as he turned his head away in pain as he turned from me, walking away from me.

"Kili," I barely whispered, as he continued to walk away. I grasped my mouth, trying to force myself from sobbing as my free hand clutched my stomach. The pain that devoured my chest felt so unbearable, the thought of the man I love, distant, separated, and torn from my heart; devoured me in sorrow from the inside out. "Please," I barely could breath out as a sob escaped my lips, falling to my knees as my hair fell to the side like a drape in a palace.

The Following Day...

Each and every one of us companions stood at the top of the gate, overlooking Dale as Bard began riding along on a white horse, coming towards the entrance of the mountain. My head was pounding from the loss of tears I had grieved the night before, my chest had an uttermost pain I couldn't quite come across, it felt as if everything in my body shut down. I haven't smiled, I haven't acknowledged a single thing, and I knew I wasn't myself.

"Hail Thorin, son of Thrain," Bard's voice was heard from down below as my gaze stayed transfixed on the ruins of Dale. "We are glad to find you alive beyond hope," I heard bards voice holler from down below before my gaze fell to my hands.

"Why do you come to gates of the King under the Mountain armed for war?" Thorin snapped furiously as my gaze began to doze off into the distance.

"Why does the King under the Mountain fence himself in like a robber in his hole?" Bard questioned rather boldly as the voices echoed in my mind. Everything seemed off inside me, and I didn't settle correctly.

"Perhaps it is because I'm expecting to be robbed," Thorin spat in return, rather rudely in anger this time.

"My Lord, we have not come to rob you, but to seek fair settlement," Bard stated as I turned my gaze from the vast lands of Dale and stepping down from the top of the gate. "Will you not speak with me?" Bard questioned as I brushed passed a few dwarves getting unsettle gazed upon me. I stepped down, heading to one of the lower halls down in Erebor. I just needed time to myself, away from the Dwarves, away from the dragon sickness, and away from Kili.

I walked through the halls of Erebor, gazing upon the drawing that had been painted against the wall, tracing the carvings that had been imbedded into the wall. I started to hum one of the songs I remembered my mother used to sing to me when I was only just a child. I stepped down a few stairs, falling into the deep caverns of the mountain.

"Deep in the meadow,"
I breathed out, my fingertips
following down the wall of stone.
"Under the willow," I sighed,
remembering the days of which
my mother and father were still alive.
"A bed of grass,"
A small smile was lifted upon my face as I continued the trace the engravings, envisioning my beautiful parents,
smiling and happy.
"A soft green pillow."
I exhaled a deep breath, remembering
my family together the last time,
sitting around a fire, laughing
and enjoying our lives.
"Lay down your head,"
I smiled once again, holding in the
tears that were threatening
to spill once again.
"And close your eyes."
I breathed out, closing my eyes for
a split second, seeing a blurry vision
of my mother's smile. Hearing the
sound of my father's laugh.
"And when they open,"
I felt my lip quiver for a moment,
holding on from breaking apart
any moment now.
"The sun will rise."
I looked down to my hands, seeing
the bruises and scrapes still burdening
my arms before looking away.
"Here it's safe, and here it's warm."
My hand tingled from the memory
of the warm hand that belonged
to my father.
"Here the daisies guard you from every harm."
I looked upon the riches of Erebor
in awe and in wonder, seeing the gold
and gems glisten throughout
the halls.
"Here your dreams are sweet,"
I tried my best to hold on the tears,
only now seeing the good, peaceful, and beautiful memories of my parents.
"And tomorrow brings them true,"
I breathed out, a smile now lifted
upon my face; a true and
meaningful smile.
"Here is the place,"
I whispered slightly to myself,
looking away from the riches and
only seeing my old home.
"Where I love you,"
I finished as a single tear fell from
my eyes. My heart sank as I grasped my
chest with my hand, looking down to the ground as I began to silently sob alone.

And that's how it should be. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve to be held in anyone's arms. I've lied, I've deceived, I've hidden things, secrets, from those who should've known from the start. I'm not the person everyone believed I was, I'm much more and I don't deserve grace. Kili has a right to be angry with me, I don't blame him one bit because deep down I know I don't deserve any kind of love.