Finding my way back (KOV #4)

Darkest Hour

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Gabriella Cecelia Rios

It's been six months since West and I ended our relationship but to be exact, I did end our relationship. I want us to annual our marriage as soon as possible but he's avoiding me nor that topic at all costs, I want us to do that not because I'm already into someone or whatsoever.

All I ever wanted is for the both of us to be free from every awful memories, pain and unwanted emotions. Didn't he realized that if this relationship won't work anymore then what's the point of letting our marriage go on?

Wouldn't it be better if the two of us would finally say goodbyes to each other for good??

I knew that he didn't want to give us up, he's still trying to fight and he's doing his best to win me back again. He wants us to be together like we used to before, but I don't know what to do. I'm focusing on my dreams but I'm slowly losing myself, I'm trying to forget about West and doing that feels like torturing every single part of me everyday.

The hardest thing that I had ever done in my entire existence was walked away while I'm still madly in love with him. As months wore on, I realized that a part of me would always wait for him but it's just that I'm scared. He did it once, what makes me think that he'll never do it again?

Do I really have to let it all go? Do I really have to forget about tye way he kissed me, the way he smelled, and the way he touched my waist and pulled me in??

I still cry myself to sleep every night while the thought of West would wander in my mind back and forth, it's the worst because I'm lying down on my bed, with my hands over my mouth so the others won't hear it. The tears are running into my pillow and my heart is breaking, I'm thinking about everything that made me cry and then my other hand is on my heart or stomach because they're in pain too.

It pains me to pushed him away, I don't wanna do that anymore but if I won't then my heart would suffer. I've been throwing out myself to work, school and other stuff to keep my mind occupied but there's a lot of times where I couldn't help but think about West from time to time.

He's my first and only greatest love, that's exactly what he is for me but no matter how hurt I am, I'll always love him. Always.

I should hate him for all he had done to me, I wouldn't wish that pain on anybody. I go around living my life as if he never did anything wrong to me but the truth is, I'm selfish. All I ever cared about was my feelings, my wants, and my own needs but have I really ever thought about his for once??

I never let West explain what happened during that night when I saw him kissed Katlaine back passionately, I never listen to his side because I was in pain and I still am until now. But can he blame me for it?

My eyes saw everything, that's the reason why my mind is not thinking straight, why my chest feels heavy and why my heart is shattered into millions of pieces.

They say when you love someone, you protect them from pain and you don't become the cause of it. I realized that one of the hardest things I will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. Every part of me is badly missing West every day and night or even when I'm asleep but I'm not ready to face him yet, I will but not now.

For now, ayoko na munang isipin ang tungkol sa'min ni West dahil nasasaktan lang ako nang paulit-ulit. Marami akong bagay na dapat pag-tuunan ng pansin katulad na lamang ng pag-aaral ko, matatapos na ako sa kursong BSBA in Management at habang tinatapos ko ang kursong iyon ay nag-aaral pa rin ako sa kursong BS in Tourism Management.