Denial [ n.s] EDITING

Chapter 39 - Much Needed Space

Chapter twenty nine
Sawyer,

~

I turned to my right to see Nathan fast asleep in my arms. The corners of his eyes were dry from tears which was a rare sight as you'd never in a million years picture him crying. As much as I wanted to enjoy him being here, with me, I just couldn't. It was wrong and just everything about this was wrong. It took me two hard breaths before I could fully process what I had needed to do; get up and discard the body contact between him and I.

I tried to get out of bed as quietly as possible. I had managed to even think it through to make sure that I wouldn't wake him though I didn't say my plans are always foolproof. I slowly lowered his head from my body and replaced it with the pillow that I had used. I then took his left arm that was tightly wrapped around my waist and laid it down as I slowly pulled myself out of the position I had been in. Knowing me, I'd tripped the moment I was stood on both feet. I turned around, panicked but saw him still fast asleep - good.

I rummaged through my messy pile of products to find a rubber band that I used to tie my hair up into a messy ponytail then brushed my teeth, and lastly, rinsed my face with some face wash which was much needed, considering my skin was so oily it was basically begging for some face wash, even a tiny bit.

I walked down to the kitchen and put the kettle on as I needed some caffeine in my system. The curtains were all drawn which made the house look dark and depressing and just unhappy. I walked to every window and tied the curtains up which allowed the sun to shine perfectly into every area of the living room and kitchen. That was one thing I loved about this house. There were windows everywhere which made it so beautiful in the mornings and even during the nighttime.

I heard the kettle go off and walked to the kitchen. I poured the boiling hot water into my mug which contained coffee and sugar then opened the door of the fridge and grabbed the carton of fresh milk and poured just the right amount into my mug. I stirred it then found myself sat at the counter, facing right at the sun which shined right at my eyes. It was a beautiful day out. I found every morning beautiful. Regardless of whether it was sunny, gloomy or even rainy. Mornings were always beautiful - wherever, whenever.

I stared blank at the screen of my iPhone and found it strange. It was strange how I was here, in Gloucester with a boy in my bed, at my dad's place when I'm meant to be looking after my dad who's currently laying on a hospital bed. My priorities have changed, no? I don't even know. Nathan isn't my priority -- he can't be. I know he doesn't want to be. What I did last night it was just, I couldn't ignore him when he was in that state, could I? Of course not. I'm weak around him. I'd never expect myself being weak but yes, mind my French but I'm weak as hell around Nathan and nothing can change that.

I heard footsteps coming from above. My eyes gazed to the clock on the wall which showed 9:30. I had been talking -- thinking to myself for what seems to be thirty minutes. Congratulations, Lea! You're shit at making conversation in real life but you bloody love speaking to yourself. I was about to reprimand myself yet again when I spotted his figure making his way down the stairs. He looked tired, hair sloppy yet undeniably cute, in his clothes from last night; black button up, black jeans. His eyes found mine and I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable knowing that his gaze was on me. Looking away, I placed my mug into the dishwasher and said, 'Would you like some coffee? Tea, maybe?' I asked as I looked up at him, knowing I'd be rude if I hadn't.

'As much as I'd love your tea' he smiled, 'I think I've overstayed my welcome.'

'Yeah, that kind of happened last night, not today' I said causing him to smile yet again.

'Well, I'm off. See you sometime soon then'

'See you sometime soon then' we exchanged smiles as his figure left the house. I'm not sure what had happened but we definitely needed some space from each other and even he knew that.