Denial [ n.s] EDITING

Chapter 51 - Certain That You're Mine

Chapter fifty one

Sawyer,

3 days later...

'Why can't you stay, just a little longer?' I ask, my fingers finding their way up to his cheeks, slowly tracing them.

'Babe, I wish I could. You know I do,' he sighs.

He has absolutely no idea how much of an effect that word has over me. Sure, he's said it multiple times now but it still takes an absolute toll on my body.

'I'll miss you,' he suddenly whispers, taking me by surprise. I remain silent, the only thing escaping my mouth being a sigh. 'but, it'll work out - us.' I wasn't sure if he said that to assure me or simply reassure himself. Nonetheless, I had zero doubts about those words.

It'll work out.

I knew we would though because not once have I had doubts about Nathan and I. That makes me sound way too keen but it was the truth. Him and I have gone through hell from not seeing each other for months to assuming he was with someone else, and to having it hurt so bad when I managed to actually come face-to-face with him.

I had no doubt in my mind that in the very end of it all, even when everything's over, his green eyes are the ones I'll wake up to. The thought of going to New York soon for my first semester in NYU excited me, yet I didn't like the thought of being further away from not only the person who seems to be the light of my life, but also my family. Oh, and the dorks whom I call friends... occasionally.

I watched as his eyes drifted away, as did his mind. His thoughts were somewhere else and though there was a part of me that wondered, or feared that he was starting to have doubts about us, I didn't question it. I continued to lay with him, in my bed as the rain continued to pour outside. Rare for California but I wasn't complaining.

---

Nathan,

It was a quarter to three in the morning and I was still wide awake. To my surprise, it was still pouring outside. In all the many times I've been to Los Angeles, it's never rained this much before. Being from cold England, I wouldn't exactly say I enjoyed it as sunny California is what makes me happy - not wet, thundering California.

Lea though, she seemed to think otherwise. She adored the rain which was a first for me since almost everyone I know can't stand not being in the sunshine. Some people say rain's depressing but she doesn't look at it in that way. I almost can't name a thing that she thinks is depressing.

Even though she tends to have her moments where she'd rather lock herself up in her room and sit in complete and utter silence, Lea's always tried her best to make people happy. It didn't matter if she knew them for 5 minutes or 5 months. Their happiness meant just as much to her.

That's what worries me about this whole situation. Lea... she puts the happiness of others in front of hers. Don't get me wrong, that's a very selfless act but I didn't want her hiding things just for the sake of others' happiness. Her happiness is what matters most to me.

I'm headed home soon and she's headed to New York not long after. I know she hasn't brought the topic of her leaving yet, considering how upset I've been about having to leave so soon but I can't help but wonder how she feels about it all. If she's scared, excited, unsure, I'd want her to tell me.

I'm afraid of us being so far apart - not because we won't make it because, trust me, I know we will. It's just, what if she's having a bad day over there? What if she starts doubting us? What if she meets new people? I just don't think i'm as prepared as i'd like to be to see her busy, getting on with her life, and being so, insanely, incredibly, unbearably far away from me.

The shifting of her body cause me to divert my attention towards her, instead of the thoughts that couldn't seem to escape my mind. I watched as she got comfortable, her eyelids shielding those beautiful eyes of hers as her head rested on my chest.

The thought of even being remotely close to losing her makes me ache in ways I didn't think were even possible up till now.

About an hour later, I found myself in the kitchen, still unable to sleep and fixing myself a cup of tea instead.Probably not the best idea if I intended on getting any sleep soon but I had already adjusted to the idea of being up longer. It was almost five in the morning anyway.

I walked to the living area with my mug in hand, settling on the sofa, looking out at the empty roads ahead. Just as I was about to take a sip out of the hot beverage, I heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs.

Not longer after, I found a head popping in, looking at me. She wiped her eyes with both her hands curled into fists, looking like an extremely adorable 5 year old.

I smiled at the sight of it though I doubt she noticed, considering how groggy she appeared to be.

'Baby?' she called out, her voice almost breaking.

'Mhmm?' I say, watching as she continued to stand there, completely unaware of the situation - or i assumed. 'Come 'ere,' My hands motioning towards myself.

Lea sat slowly beside me, he big beautiful eyes attempting to look straight into mine. 'It's late, isn't it? Why are you up?' she yawned, 'Are you okay, Nathan?' Despite the fact that she was sound asleep just minutes ago, her voice showed how genuinely concerned she was.

One of the many, many reasons I loved this person sat beside me.

'I'm perfectly fine,' I place a kiss to her forehead as she shifts, now resting on me. 'And, I absolutely love hearing you call me that, Lea'

'What,' she looked up at me, slightly puzzled. 'Nathan?'

'No, no, the other one.'

She takes a moment to think before finally saying, 'baby?'

The grin that was plastered all over my face clearly answered her question, making her crack a smile too.

'Baby?' She calls out, after a few minutes of silence.

'Hmm?'

'I love you, so much' she smiles in a way that made her look even more irresistible, even at a ungodly hour like this.

'I love you too, babe' I watched as her cheeks heated up at the sound of that word. I loved the effect it had on her, and how she got oddly shy of showing it. I place a kiss on her soft lips as her eyelids shield her eyes and her lips press against mine, in a desperate way yet filled with complete passion.

'It's cold, isn't it?' I say as I place the blanket that laid on the side of the sofa on both out bodies, surprisingly covering us both.

'Way too fucking cold,' she retorts, causing a slight laugh to erupt from my mouth. I notice her eyes slowly shut as she was starting to drift off to sleep. The last thing escaping her mouth being, 'goodnight, baby'

It was strange to think that this person, this girl, this lady meant so much to me. To think that if I hadn't met her in that mall. To think that if Jess hadn't been friends with her friend. To think that if we hadn't spent that first night together.

It frightened me, but I couldn't be happier to be able to call this person the one I'd willingly spend every single day of my life with, especially the last. The love of my life. Cliche, but so, very, true.

A/N: idek if this is too boring but i personally like it and it's 4 in the morning i just whipped it out bc i felt bad for not updating love u always hope y'all enjoyed this xxo