Denial [ n.s] EDITING

chapter seventeen

Chapter seventeen
Sawyer's POV.

It was just one of those nights.

Nathan and I, laying in bed together. Staring at the ceiling like it's the stars.

I had just told him the story about my dad having a near heart attack because of the amount of times he smoked in a day.

I still couldn't get used to the word. It sickened me; childish, I know.

"It's scary, isn't it? Not knowing when you're gonna go. Death, just like that. Lights off. Not being able to open your eyes." I said.

"Nah, not for me. I fear life - not death. I believe that when it's your time to go, you'll go. There's no "preparing" for it. You just gotta let it happen." He said, without taking his eyes off of the ceiling.

"When did you get so wise?" I laughed.

"April 18th 1993" he winked. "Hmm, so what else are you scared of, Lea?" He asked.

"Umm.." I tried to think of something that wasn't embarrassing but nothing came to mind. "Clowns?" I blurted out.

"Clowns?!" He laughed. "Ah c'mon. What's so scary about them?"

"What's so scary about them?! What isn't scary about them! I mean, who goes around white-faced with a huge red nose that makes some weird-annoying-creepy noise. It's fucked up for crying out loud"

I looked to the side to see Nathan in a clown mask.

"Boo!" He screamed causing me to jump. I swear to god, my heart was about to explode right out of my chest.

"Nathan!" I yelled.

He continued to laugh.

"Not cool! Where'd you even get that from?" I asked.

"Under my bed" he had a slight smile.

"Oh yeah, you just had a fucking creepy clown mask under your bed. Yeah, not weird at all" I wrapped my arms, my annoyance towards him was still visible.

"Ah, c'mon. That was a good prank. C'mon wittle Lea, the devious clown is gone now" he kept tickling me.

"S-stop! St-op!!" I screamed.

"Only if you agree that it was a good prank"

"Okay, okay. It was a good prank" I admitted and immediately, a huge grin appeared on his face. "For amateurs" I whispered, but I had a feeling he still heard me.

"Jerk" I said, under my breath.

"But you still love me" he smiled.

"Do not!"

"Lies" he smiled as he got under the duvet. "Goodnight, Lea the liar"

"Night, Nath the creeper." I smiled to myself. I decided to ignore every single thought about me loving Nathan. It was a big word, and one that I definitely wasn't ready to use in this thing between Nathan and I.

~

I woke up, not knowing if it was sweat or tears that were on my damp neck.

I never knew it was possible to dream about something that actually happened. How's it possible to dream about reality? I guess nobody could really answer that.

I tied my hair up into a ponytail and made my way downstairs.

"Morning, sunshine." Dad said from the kitchen.

"Sunshine?" I asked. "Um, morning to you too, dad"

"Want something to eat? I just made some bacon and eggs" he said.

As good as it seemed, I passed and asked where Hannah was.

"Oh, she went out with some of her friends. Some people by the names of Josh and Mishka, or something"

"Right." I mumbled. "Um, I'll just go have a shower, then"

"Are you alright, Sawyer? You seem a little down" Dad asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine"

What a lie. We both know that nothing was fine, Lea. Everything's messed up and all you want to do is go back to Los Angeles.

Or just plan to murder yourself here.

Well you can't murder yourself so it'll technically be suicide.. but that'll draw too much attention.

Oh god, I'm talking to myself.

I clearly need help.

~

"Hey, Lea!" Hannah said as she walked in on me laying in bed with my headphones on. "Well aren't you having fun." she continued before I had the chance to respond.

"Ha ha, very funny." I said sarcastically. "I just wanted to chill"

"You've been wanting to "chill" ever since we got back from Paris. Even your dad asked if you were okay." she sat beside me on my bed.

"I'm completely fine okay?!" I defended.

"No Lea. Not okay. We're best friends. We've told each other everything for as long as I can remember. But ever since we got to Gloucester" she took a breath. "You've completely shut me out. One day you're here and the next day your gone. All I get is a text from you saying "don't wait up on me, and if dad asks, I'm at Molly's" really Lea? Is that what best friends do now? Lie to each other?"

She was about to walk out of the room when I stopped her.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"Is that really it?" She asked - her voice sounding upset.

"I wasn't done." I said. "This summer has been different than any other. I mean that in the best way possible. Going through so many good days just makes me forget what bad days felt like. I remember now. And that makes me want to go home. Home, Los Angeles. You don't have to come with me but-"

She interrupted me. "I'm here for you. If you're going home, I'm sure as hell coming with you." I caught a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry." I hugged her and mumbled into her shoulder "you're the most amazing person that's entered my life. You've helped me. You've seen me at my worst, and I'm eternally grateful for that"

"I'm always gonna be here for you" she returned the hug.