Denial [ n.s] EDITING

Chapter 63 - Love isn't Pain

Chapter sixty three
Sawyer,

"They spent a couple of nights together. Just a couple, or more. After you left the first time around,"

"He left," I bluntly say,
sparing myself the heartache of recalling me, coming back to his empty room; to find out that he'd be on tour for three months, and never bothered to utter a word about it to me.

"After he left, and after he came back, he realised any sort of second chance with you was just delusional. He knew what he did, leaving you like that. And then, he went back to his old ways. The Nathan that existed before you stepped foot into this house for the first time"

Jess continued, "the Nathan that partied, smoked cigarettes to "fit in," the one who'd be with a girl every night and had zero clue about the word "love" even existing,"

I was about to stop her, but I did want to know everything, so I stayed silent; "Clara and Nathan spent nights together, sure, they spent meaningless nights together. One night spent between you and him carries far more meaning than the dozen nights he's spent with her. They went out, kissed, went to fancy parties, visited her stuck-up-kiss-ass parents, had lunch at snobby rich restaurants,"

"–like the Italian place we went with your family?" I ask, Jess nodding.

"Listen, he didn't give a rat's arse about anything when Clara was around. He barely came home at night, barely spoke two words to my mum, he barely even smiled; which was why my mum was ever so fond of you from the moment you started to get Nathan to fall in love with you. He smiled more, talked more, left more sarcastic remarks,

I smile, faintly, "as much of a cliche this is, you change him. No, you make him who he truly is. God, you've no idea how much influence you have over him. A large part of me knows that your influence will somehow always be there, hanging over his head. You'll be that person, the only person who could get him to eat his vegetables, the only person who could get him to smile at dinner, the only person he'll ever be in love with; that's you, Lea"

My heart aches, a little more, "I'm not excusing what he did, at all. He was a dick and he deserves what ever pain you may cause him 'cause I know he's caused you ten times as much the heartache.
Basically, Clara's a snobby blonde, Nathan made a shit of a mistake, lied to you multiple times when he should've just told you everything; he wanted to, I swear he did. He just didn't want to ruin things, to ruin you,"

"It's a little too late for that," I say, in the softest voice, but the sympathetic look from Jess tells me that she heard.

"He did hate his vegetables,"

"Oh god, more than a five year old," Jess says, both of us laughing. Laughter; felt so odd to me.

"Wait, you called me Lea?" I suddenly realise, "oh, I only ever called you Sawyer to get under Nathan's skin, you could literally see the irritation in his face when someone would call you Sawyer," Jess says.

I smile; for a moment, just one, then I sigh heavily, "I can't bare any more, Jess. The pain, or the doubt, or the abundance of happiness your brother has brought to me. I'm hurting, physically, this hurts. It isn't supposed to hurt, is it?" I'm now crying, drowning in my own tears; and I don't stop myself.