A Heart Break In Time

There's A Part Of Me That Doesn't Even Want To Find Him.

The guys came back from the boat, I stayed today to help Sarah around the house. I saw them outside. Sam was throwing the shield at a tree. I walked up to them. "How ya doing?"

"Feels weird... Picking it up again." He tossed it and it bounces off the padding he added, and Bucky caught it. "The legacy of that shield is... complicated, to say the least."

"When Steve told us what he wanted, I don't think either of us really understood what it was like for a black man to be handed the shield." Bucky sighed.

"How could we?" I added.

"I owe you an apology. I'm sorry." Bucky handed him the shield.

Sam took it and nodded. "Thank you."

"Whatever happened with Walker, it wasn't your fault. I get it. It's just, Steve and that shield's the closest thing I've got left to a family. So when Steve retired and you retired it, it made me feel like I had nothing left. It made me question everything. You, Steve, me... You know, I've, uh... I've got his book." He pulled the book out of his pocket and started to fidget with it. I recognized it, Steve had told me about it and how much it helped him focus on his new life after the ice. "And, uh, I just figured if it worked for him, then it'd work for me."

"Bucky," I stepped towards him. "This might come as a surprise, but it doesn't matter what Steve thinks."

Sam nodded. He tossed the shield again, it bounced and went right back to him. "You gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are." Sam threw the shield again, this time it bounced to Bucky. "Let me ask you, you still having those nightmares?"

"All the time. It means I remember. It means a part of me is still there. Which means a part of the Winter Soldier is still in me." He tossed the shield and I reached forward and grabbed his hand.

"You up for a little tough love? You wanna climb out of that hell you're in, do the work. Do it." Sam told him after catching the shield.

"I've been making amends."

I scoffed. "No, you weren't amending, you were avenging. You were stopping all the wrongdoers you enabled as the Winter Soldier because you thought it would bring you closure."

"You go to these people and say 'sorry' because you think it'll make you feel better, right? But you gotta make them feel better. You gotta go to them and be of service. I'm sure there's at least one person in that book who needs closure about something, and you're the only person who can give it to them." Sam agreed.

"There'll probably be a dozen."

"That's cool. Start with one."

"Good talk." Bucky smirked.

Sam tossed the shield and I caught it. "You know Karli won't quit."

"Ah. Call me when you have a lead, and I'll be there. Not necessarily as a team." Bucky smiled.

I rolled my eyes. "Here we go." The three of us started to walk away.

"Nope." Sam agreed.

"We're not that good."

"Definitely not."

"We're professionals."

"Definitely."

Bucky pointed at Sam. "And, uh, we're partners."

"Co-workers." Sam corrected.

"You two done?" I rolled my eyes when we reached my car.

Sam smiled at me and leaned in for a hug. "Thanks for the help, both of you. It meant a lot."

"Of course." Bucky shrugged. He got into the passenger seat next to me.

"When's your therapy appointment?" I asked him as I started the car.

Bucky looked at his watch. "About two hours?"

I nodded. "Great. I'm starving." I drove to the closest diner and we sat across from each other. "Fury requested I come back. Vacation over, I guess." I smiled.

"Shame, you had such a relaxing time."

I laughed. "Oh, definitely. I wonder what it's about though." 

"Me too." Bucky replied and I raised an eyebrow. "I was called back too."

"Convenient. We can carpool." I smiled at him and Bucky laughed.

I dropped Bucky off at therapy and waited in the car for him. An hour later, he walked out and silently got back in the car.

"You okay?"

"Never better."

I drove back to the hotel in silence. Bucky and I started to walk into our separate but connected rooms when I stopped him. "You sure you don't wanna just crash with me? We can watch something stupid."

Bucky just shook his head and walked in the room without responding. It took everything in me not to follow after him, but he wanted to be alone. So I could do that. I changed and crawled into the bed, watched something stupid until I fell asleep.

I was suddenly woken up to screaming, and I could tell it was Bucky. I ran to the connecting door but it was locked. I slammed my hands on it. "Buck? Bucky open up." He didn't answer. "You have three seconds before I break it down!" I stepped back from the door. "One. Two. Th-"  The door swung open.

"Talia, people are sleeping, Jesus!"

"You screamed." I walked into the room he was in.

Bucky muttered back, "nightmare." As I looked at the room. The bed was bare, the pillows and blankets on the floor.

"You sleeping on the floor again?"

Bucky shrugged. "Big marshmallow."

I grabbed his hand. "Come on." I moved to his bed and grabbed the pillow and blankets and put them on the bed before sitting down. I gestured for him to join me.

"What are you doing?"

"I got a few hours of sleep, you look like you need some more. Come here." I patted my lap. Bucky hesitated but laid his head down anyway. I grabbed the remote from the side of the bed and put on a sitcom while I rubbed his scalp. "This okay?"

"Yeah, yeah it is. Thank you."

I smiled and continued what I was doing as I relaxed. "Sure thing. Now sleep." It wasn't long until I felt his body fully relax and his breathing slow that I could tell he was asleep. The clock said three am and I sighed before closing my eyes and trying to sleep too.

I woke up to Bucky's arms wrapped around my waist as I was still sitting up. I groaned at the pain the odd sleeping position gave me and tried to stretch my neck. The movement woke up Bucky who looked around confused. "Shit, I shouldn't have slept on you that long. Sorry."

I looked at the clock and it was ten now. "Wow, we both actually got some sleep for once. Nice." I smiled at him and Bucky returned it.

"You're okay?"

"Mhmm, didn't kill me in my sleep Buck, we're good." I looked at him, his hair a mess from laying on me and me playing with it, he had marks from where my clothing sat on the side of his face. He was shirtless, his left arm shining in the light coming from our window.

"What're you looking at?"

My eyes jumped to his and I saw the smirk he was giving so I shrugged. "It's a nice view. Too bad it comes with that mouth." I pushed my hand against his lips and he grabbed me, pulling me down on the bed. He leaned over me and Bucky's face was a few inches from mine. His dog tags dangled against my chest. I looked at his eyes stared into mine and flashed to my lips then back up. My heart was pounding and I knew he could hear it. "Buck..."

"Yes?" He moved a little closer.

"You have morning breath." I smiled and he froze and then pulled away.

He rolled his eyes as he sat up. "You're one to talk."