Alan Rickman Character Imagines

Severus Snape

Okay so this is my first angst imagine. I want to warn everyone now there are some major Trigger warnings in this. Please read at your own risk. There will be a part 2 to this if you want it. I'm sorry in advanced.

You had been dating Severus since the beginning of term. After Lily had stopped talking to him last year you had gotten close with him. Both of you being in Slytherin it was easy to see each other and you had a lot in common. On the first week back after summer break he asked you out. You said yes and now it was 3 days until the end of term. Which meant you'd been dating for almost 9 months. 9 of the happiest months of your life. He made you happy, happier than you have ever been. But that all came to a crashing halt when you heard him talking to Lucius Malfoy. 

"I think Lily is finally starting to get jealous of me and Y/N." Severus told Lucius. You felt like you just got hit by a bus. Honestly you wish you had because it probably would have hurt less. The man you loved with every piece of your heart was using you to make his first love jealous. This was the person who you had your first relationship with, who you had your first kiss with. He was the first person you said "I love you" to. Now to find out it's all been a lie. All part of some plan he made.

You stared at the single rose in your hand that you had spelled dark green for him. It had taken you over a week to get the spell right. But you wanted to do something for him before break. The rose would live forever, you spelled it that way. Now it would just be a constant reminder of your one sided love. It had a note tied to the stem which said "true love never dies". It was a line from the first movie you watched together on your first date. How ironic to find out he never had an ounce of love for you in the first place. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks and your heart was in a million pieces. You felt that even if you were able to collect them all you'd never be able to glue them all back together. You, like Severus, lived a very difficult home life. No parents, only foster parents who repeatedly told you that they only kept you for the money. You never felt an ounce of love from anyone. Not even yourself. You thought he changed that. Since you met him you discovered what it felt like to not hate yourself. You didn't go to bed crying or have the temptation to cut yourself anymore. All you needed was a little bit of love from someone, to show you what love felt like. That way you could learn to love yourself. Now it was all gone, all your progress. You felt stupid. Severus was one of the best wizards in the school of course he'd never love you. He'd always pick Lily. She was beautiful and smart. She was top of your class In potions just like Severus. She was perfect. You were just some defective toy Severus could use to get what he really wanted. You hated it. You hated yourself for being so stupid. 

Severus and Lucius came around the corner and saw you standing there crying.

"Y/n? What's wrong?" Severus asked, putting on his concerned boyfriend facade. 

"W-why me?" You cried.

"What?"

"Of all the girls you could have chosen for your little plan. Why did it have to be me? Was it because I was so fucked up already you didn't think you could do anymore damage? Or do you just hate me so much that you had to break me even more?" You sobbed. Lucius excused himself, leaving this to Severus. 

"I don't know what you."

"YOU USED ME! You never cared about me, you only put up with me to make Lily jealous. I heard you." you screamed at him. 

"Please. It's not like that. I do care about you."

"But you would leave me in the blink of an eye if Lily asked.... I get it Severus I really do. I am nothing special I never will be. My own parents gave me up, why would anyone willingly love me? But do you realize that since I started dating you I haven't cut myself. I've been clean for almost 8 months because of you. Because you asked me to stop, and because I love you I did. That was all it took was being asked by the person I love the most to get me to stop. My anxiety is almost non-existent. I don't cry myself to sleep at night anymore wondering why no one loves me. And that's all because I thought I had you. I thought for a moment that I had someone who would never hurt me. And because of that I gave you everything. My first kiss, my first I love you. I gave you my innocence not because you wanted me to but because I thought there would never be anyone else that I'd want to give it to. You made me better. You took this girl who was broken in pieces and you glued me back together, you showed me what love was... But now. You broke me into even more pieces and I don't think I can recover from that." You handed him the dark green rose you made him. 

"Please." He begged looking from the rose to your face. He looked truly desperate.

"Please what? Stay? Why? So you can go to Lily the second Potter fucks up? Why would I risk getting my heart broken by you again? The sad part is. I want to give you that chance because I love you Severus. I love you so much it hurts. But now I know that I just can't be loved. Not by my parents, not by my foster parents, not by you, not by anyone. I guess I just wasn't meant to be happy... But I hope I made you happy. I hope you get everything you want out of life and more because you deserve it. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you.. I-I tried. I promise I tried so hard. I wanted to be everything you ever dreamed of. I brought this on myself by believing I was ever good enough for you. I always knew I wasn't but I wanted to believe you could look past that. I'm just too much. To broken, to ugly, to fat, to stupid. I don't have a single rewarding quality. You deserve better.. I-I can't be better, I'm just me.. There's no fixing me. I'm broken... I love you Severus. I really, really love you." You broke down sobbing, the wall being the only thing holding you up. 

"You are worth so much more than you think." He whispered.

"Not to you. Not to anyone. If I was worth something there would be someone on this planet who would love me. 7 billion people in the world and I haven't been able to find a single one who thinks I'm worth loving….You used me. You used me not only to get to Lily, but for your own pleasure. If you knew you weren't going to stay you didn't have to have sex with me. Y-you could have let me keep that piece of myself." 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please let me explain."

"I can't. Because I know my love for you will cloud my judgement and the second you ask I will throw myself back into your arms because that's the only place I've ever felt safe... Keep the Rose, or throw it away. I guess it doesn't matter. It was supposed to be a reminder of my love for you while we were away for summer. I know your parents don't make you feel loved and I wanted you to have something to remind you that I will always love you. But I guess you don't need it now that you don't have to pretend to love me anymore." Those were your final words before you walked back to your dorm. 

You laid in your bed fully clothed. You didn't have the energy or motivation to change, or shower, brush your hair or teeth. You couldn't find the will to move. Your heart was basically laying next to  you in tiny pieces too small to see. Silent tears rolled down your face. You couldn't even make a sound as you cried. The tears kept rolling down your cheeks but at the same time you felt numb. You felt like this was your own fault because you should have known better than to think you could be happy. 

The only energy you had was when you remembered there was still one razor you left in your nightstand. You knew what You wanted to do. You wrote a note only 8 words long. This was it. You couldn't face Severus again after this. It would hurt too much. 

You took the blade and sliced up your arm until you reached the crease of your forearm. Then you did the same with the other arm. The sad part was you were too numb to even feel it. The only thing you felt was the warm liquid sliding down your fingertips. Your head felt fuzzy, your vision began to spot. Oddly enough you felt at peace with the thought of it all being over. You let your eyes close, being too tired to fight to keep them open. You were ready.... But your attempt at peace was interrupted when you heard the door burst open. 

"Y/N!"