Troublesome Shikamaru x Reader

Chapter 53: Live on

Trigger warning: Signs of depression and Alcohol abuse, mention of suicide, and anxiety attack

Y/n p.o.v

It's been two weeks since the burial. I've felt nothing but pain and hollowness. I have stayed mostly in my room since we got back from the cemetery. Everyone else has left back to their lives, back to normality.

I wake up every day in this place, putting on a mask, an ideal image, or version you may say, of me, I act as Princess to my Nation, going to charity events, functions, with a happy and bright smile on my face. I treat people by rank now, how Grandmama taught me, I act like a Princess. I show them the ideal version that is expected of me. What the ideal Royal version is. I have considered going into deals I would have never thought of doing, like an arranged marriage. Will that give me fulfillment? Joy, life, and happiness? What is happiness? Sense of normality

What is normality now for me? What is this world to me? What is my purpose for life? I have no interest in life, what is life, I have nothing to live for, I have no one. I feel nothing. Not even love. Love is worthless and meaningless. It brings death and misfortune. If I love someone, they will die. Just like.

I drank the glass of wine next to me, I screamed in agony and threw it to the wall. Third one today. I paced around my room as in my head it screamed 'your nothing, worthless bitch, scum, just go and disappear, everything is your fault, just go and kill your self' "AHHHHH JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY" I yelled as I looked at my arms, red and full of scratch marks from scratching too hard, to the point of bleeding, just to feel some sort of emotion, physical pain. My head started to pound and my chest felt tight and the voices in my head felt like they were getting louder. I sat on the floor with my breathing getting heavier.

This pain, this feeling, it's too strong for me to handle, I can't take it. It's too much. It's agonizing. I ran to my drawer and there was a kunai there.

"Y/N!" I looked to the entrance of my bedroom, my Aunt Tsuna was standing there with Shikaku and Uncle Jiraiya. Aunt Tsuna ran to me and I flash stepped to my desk. "STAY AWAY FROM ME! I BRING DEATH AND MISFORTUNE!" I yelled "ALMOST EVERY ONE WHO I'VE EVER SHOWN LOVE TO HAS DIED" I started to walk back since she wasn't listening, I made hand signs but I felt someone grab me from the back. "Kid we just want to help you" Jiraiya held my arms apart. I saw Shikaku lock the door. He went to my drawer and put my kunai in his ninja pouch. Aunt Tsuna was four feet away from me, her eyes were warm and soft "You can't kill me. I have so far lost everything and everyone in my family but You. Don't fall in too deep. You are loved"

I tried pushing Uncle away from me but he held on tighter I felt the tears come out "NO! I can't I am like a human grim reaper" I said as she was now right in front of me I manage to kick Uncle in the shin and I jumped away and headed for the balcony, just as I was about to open the door, I froze. "Shikaku let go!" I whined and cried. "You need an intervention!" He said from behind. "You can't keep living like this!" Uncle said. I was so in my head that Aunt Tsuna was now in front of me she looked like she was about to cry. "Please let us help you. You need help my dear. I love you so much, we love you so much, all your friends are worried. The Y/n you portray to the world right now isn't you. You don't yell at maids, you don't have a snobby attitude like other royals" Aunt Tsuna was already holding my arms and she slowly hugged me. "Your in pain, a pain like no other, a pain that most people won't understand. You have a reason to live, or was Victoria's death in vain" I tried keeping a straight face but the mention of her name. "Tori may be gone, and so you might feel out of place since she was practically your world, you did it all to make sure she was alright and had a good life. And that's amazing but you forgot about yourself. She would want you to live on, live on for her, for you to fulfill your wishes and dreams. I promise the pain gets better, you'll heal over time"

I cried like a baby. And just completely broke down and all the emotions I've hidden for years, the dam broke. I felt Shikaku let go of the Jutsu and I hugged Aunt Tsuna. "You need to feel what you feel to get it out. Or it will consume you alive and kill you. Let it all out. All the fear, anger, sadness, and pain. That's your first step. Eventually, everything will get better and make sense" I felt Shikaku and Uncle hug me as well. And we stayed like that for a while.

Back in Konoha

"What!!! Come on, we have to go Sakura!!!" Naruto said since Shizune told them where Lady Tsunade and Master Jiraiya left to. " Naruto she isn't sick. She just isn't feeling well. If you had a sibling, and that was the last thing you had to keep you whole and well. Then they were killed. Would you feel okay!" Sakura's tone was harsh but you could see the pain in her eyes. Yamato stepped in between the two teens "I know this is hard and it hurts all of us". They both took a deep breath and composed themselves. Shizune then said "When she comes back. She won't go back to doing missions right away. She needs time to sort out a few things. Naruto, Sakura, as her friends I need you to just be there for her. Give her time, then she'll be back to herself. Sai you too. Yamato, I believe Kakashi has filled you in on his hunch. Lady Tsunade should be coming back with Y/n in a few days. But I do have to give you this. Before Victoria was K.I.A she left a few letters, seven to be exact. This one right here is for team 7"

Shikamaru stood outside the Hokage office and walked away and went out to sit on a tree. He had shut out all his feelings but was doing okay. But he was worried since he saw Robin come to Konoha to get Tsunade to come to Costa Luna. His dad also went. In what condition did Y/n have to be for Tsunade to drop everything and leave. He wondered what could be going on. But he shut that out too. And decided to go home and do his paperwork.

A/n: Thank you all for reading and for the votes, follows, and comments. This chapter is one of the more heavier ones. Society isn't that good at acknowledging mental health, anxiety, and depression, those are real things. It's a hard topic to talk about and it's not exactly brought up in conversations. But it should be talked about more, it's something that a lot of people go through. My dad came in while I was writing this and he asked why was this so sad, why do I write stuff like this, and so I said, "I want to bring awareness and If I can just help one person or an update makes someone happy then, I'm happy with what I've done".

Something very personal about me, I have anxiety, and I grew up in an environment where that was never talked about, I thought I was crazy for feeling what I felt, until, one day reading something on Wattpad, I think it was some kind of x reader, the storyline of it was the reader was anxious and depressed, and for me, at the time I was like 'wtf why is this author in my head' I was digging my self in a hole so deep and no one notice, but reading stuff and writing made me realize 'Oh my gosh, I need help' and eventually I was able to talk and speak up, took me a long ass time, but I got the help that I needed. It definitely was not easy, it's a hard a rough journey, it has been about three years and I am doing much better.

My goal for this story, is to talk about and bring up 'uncomfortable' topics that are not bought up. I know maybe some views will stop reading and might get offended but like I said, even if this helps one person, that makes me happy.

Alright, I'll close off here. Thanks for tuning in this week =)