Falling to the Spotlight

Chapter 18

Listen to the cover above while reading this chapter. I don't know if this suits this chapter but I listen to that while writing this chapter.

Chapter 18

Past

I promise to myself that I will never let my past ruin me or take away everything from me. Hindi ko hahayaan na kainin ako ng naranasan ko and I thought I can do it but just hearing her name again and when I heard about me being the model of her designs parang binaon ko lang din sa hukay lahat ng pinagdaanan ko.

For me once I face her again even her mother parang binalewala ko lang lahat ng taon na ginawa ko for me to be okay. Parang kinalimutan ko how I become like this because of them. They are the one who make me like this Chantal Jimenez.

Oliver and Irene are calling me even Mia pero hindi ko sila sinasagot and I am just looking at my phone with their name in it. I am just watching it ring with a wine glass in my hand. I told myself na hindi ko hahayaan ang kahit sino na tapakan ako but because of what she is doing now I feel like tinatapakan niya na naman ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang plano niya because it's been years and now she will do this. I want to call Dad and ask about it but I stop myself dahil hindi ko dapat idamay si Daddy dito. I want to know ano ang gusto ni Celine for her to do that.

Dahil ang alam ko lang ngayon I feel like she is planning something para apakan ulit ako just like what she did to me before. Simula ng umalis ako and the last time I saw her isa lang ang alam ko she will never change dahil kung magbabago siya o kahit si Tita Diana sana noon pa. I don't want an apology that is not sincere at kahit man humingi sila ng tawad hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang tanggapin.

Because what I experience to Tita Diana and Celine ruin me, but what they did to me make me like this. I found my dream and my happiness to what I am doing pero hindi pa din pala maalis nun ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. Yes, what happen makes me brave and such but that doesn't mean na tanggap ko na ganun ang pinagdaanan ko. It's too painful and too much for me.

I am drinking wine for me to sleep and not think about it dahil may shooting pa ako bukas and I don't want to affect my work just because of what I heard and I already know my decision about that.

Sabihin niya na ang gusto niyang sabihin but I will not accept it. She can say that I am afraid and anything pero gagawin ko ang lahat wag lang akong bumalik sa nakaraan na pinilit ko ng kalimutan because facing her will just bring back everything.

I might break again. Ginawa ko na ang lahat para mabuo ako this past few years at hindi ko hahayaan na masira ulit ako dahil lang sa makaharap ko siya. I am not afraid of her just like before but I am afraid to break again.

Natatakot ako na masira ulit ako katulad kung gaano ako kasira noon.

"Chantal! Uminom ka?" Rosalie ask when she enter my unit and found me sleeping in the couch and the bottle of empty wine is in the table. "May problema ba?" she asked but I just shake my head and told her to wait bago ako pumasok ng kwarto to get ready.

I thought I will forget everything when I wake up but all can feel is frustration and wrath because of all the things running in my head. Tahimik lang ako hanggang sa makasakay ako sa van and Rosalie gave me a coffee and a bread pero kape lang ang ginalaw ko. I know she already find me weird pero ayoko na lang magsalita dahil baka iba pa ang masabi ko. I am not in the mood right now I know that lalo na at masakit pa ang ulo ko dahil sa isang bote ng wine na ininom ko kagabi.

"Okay ka lang ba?" I look at Jayce who talked to me pero inirapan ko lang siya at hindi na sinagot.

Wala ako sa mood sa buong shoot and when we have a break mabilis na akong pumunta ng tent instead of talking to anyone. Ayoko munang makipag-usap dahil baka hindi pa maganda ang masabi ko masira pa ako that is why I will just be quiet.