Falling to the Spotlight

Chapter 19

Chapter 19 

Hate 

Hindi ko sasabihin na mahina ako because when I face her I choose to run away let's just say that I excused myself from saying things na hindi naman dapat marinig nila Oliver. I know Oliver is already aware about my full name and kahit hindi siya magtanong alam ko na iniisip niya din na I am really related to Celine. 

Ayoko lang na makita ng tatlong taong malapit sa'kin kung paano kami mag-usap ni Celine. That girl is acting like everything is fine and that really pisses me off. Sa tingin niya ba ganun ako kababaw ng dahil lang sa she invited me to be her model ayos na ang lahat. 

Does she think ganun yun kadali? I suddenly remember my younger self yung batang Chantal na pinipilit ang sarili niya kay Celine. And how happy I am when I realize that both of our dreams are connected with each other. 

Iniisip ko na lang ginagawa ko 'to para sa sarili ko. Wala na akong ibang iniisip pa because I am known as a career woman. Career ko muna bago ang kahit ano. 

"Sure ka bang okay ka lang?" Rosalie asked when we arrive at my unit. I just nod at her at sinabing umuwi na siya dahil tinawagan lang talaga siya ni Mia para samahan ako. Isa pa yung babaeng yun I know her, si Mia yung klase ng tao na matanong but she stop myself and choose to be quiet habang sinasamahan akong antayin si Rosalie. 

"Use the car, balik mo na lang bukas." I said bago ako tumalikod sa kanya papasok ng unit ko. She drive my car at ayoko naman na magcommute pa siya kaya ipapagamit ko na lang ang kotse ko. 

When I enter my unit I froze when darkness welcome me and instead of opening the light I keep the lights off and the only light I can see is the city lights on my glass window. I like darkness I always like it not until a light welcome me and that is my spotlight. 

I love darkness because I know no one can see how weak I am and how vulnerable I am. Pinatapang ako ng pinagdaanan ko but that doesn't mean lagi akong matapang. I need to be brave to face the world. Ayoko ng maging mahina pa that is why I am like this always passionate to what I am doing. 

Gusto ko makita ng tao na hindi ako basta-basta babagsak and they cannot easily step on me because I am me. I don't want people seeing me weak ayoko na nun dahil yun ang naging dahilan bakit pinagdaanan ko yun because I am weak to fight back at hindi ko hahayaan na mangyari ulit sa'kin yun. 

I am just looking outside my window when I decided to go to my room and when I open the light ang side table ko agad ang sumalubong sa'kin and there I saw his gift from me but I don't know but while looking at those doon tumulo yung mga luha ko na akala ko hindi na babagsak. 

Akala ko hindi ako iiyak dahil pinakiramdaman ko na yung sarili ko kanina but I guess I am wrong because when my eyes landed on his gift my tears fall nonstop. I didn't know I will cry like this. 

Everything that happen before came back to me. All the pain, lahat ng tiniis ko bumalik lahat sila sa'kin. I want it to stop dahil hindi tama na hayaan ko sila na kaiinin ako but how? How can I stop thinking all of the physical and emotional pain that I experience? 

"No, Chantal. You won't call anyone. You are brave. You are just alone that is why you are like this. No, Chantal not him... Not Michael." I said but my hands and self said other wise because I just found myself opening my Facebook account to look for him. I already delete his contact number because I  afraid I can't stoo myself at matawagan ko siya.

When I saw his profile and he is wearing a suit I don't know but I feel my heart beat doubled to show it should beat. After months of stopping myself to look for him or find anything related to him ngayon ko na lang talaga ulit nakita ang mukha niya.