Falling to the Spotlight

Chapter 46

Chapter 46 

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One thing I learn from being free from everything that is holding me is I need to know how to ignore people's judgement. Pakiramdam ko yun kasi ang naging isang dahilan why I got easily scared of being the real me because I know there is people who can easily judge me. 

Buong akala ko noon I already know how to deal with it not until my relationship with Michael happen. Sobrang natakot ako sa pwedeng sasabihin ng tao dahil alam kong pati siya madadamay sa pwedeng masabi ng tao. 

We are both scared to what people will say because we are both scared of what can people say about us. Me to him and him to me. Parehas kaming takot sa pwedeng mangyari sa isa't isa that is why we always do a decision where we can protect each other. 

To the point that protecting each other becomes the source of our pain. 

"Are you sure you will learn surfing? It's scary, Chandria." Ate Celine said while I am talking to her husband about learning surfing. 

Ilang buwan na din simula ng umalis ako and I am travelling with my mom o kaya naman ako lang mag-isa because my mom prefer being with Tita Diana na mukhang nagkasundo na talaga sila. I am actually happy though dahil mukhang wala na sa kanilang dalawa yung mga nangyari noon. 

Yun lang naman siguro ang mahalaga you need to let go of everything to live a happy life without holding anything inside you. That is why I also choose to forgive Ate and Tita Diana to everything that they did to me I don't want that past holding me back.

"Don't you trust your husband? Hindi naman siguro niya ako ipapahamak." I said kaya napairap naman siya bago tumingin kay Kuya Charles. 

"I trust him. I don't trust you! Mamaya may mangyari pa sa'yo e." she said. I don't know if I should feel touch or get offended to what my sister said to me. 

"Grabe ka naman. I just really need another thing to do. I am tired on travelling already I need to do something new dahil kung hindi baka iba ang magawa ko." I said and smile. 

Pag hindi ako maghanap ng panibagong pwedeng gawin baka ang magawa ko ay umuwi ng Pilipinas at balikan si Michael. I don't have any news about him anymore since I leave at madalas ko na lang din naman makausap yung apat kasi halatang abala sa sariling buhay nila and Irene is also busy on her schedules now and maybe on her man too. 

Iniiwasan kong magtanong tungkol sa mga love life ng iba dahil baka ibalik ang tanong sa'kin wala akong maisasagot and worse baka maiyak lang ako sa mga alaalang babalik sa'kin. God knows how much I miss Michael sa mga lumilipas na araw mas lalong tumitindi pero pinipilit kong tinatanim sa isip ko na everything is for the better and we both need this. 

"Chantal, do you think this both help you? Because seeing you trying so hard not to go to him para mas lalo ka lang nasasaktan." Napangiti na lang ako at hindi na nakasagot. 

Yes, it is indeed hard this distance is killing me and my anxiety is killing me. Iniisip ko what Michael is doing or kung ako pa ba ang mahal niya o kung yung nararamdaman niya para sa'kin ay ganun pa din.

I leave and agreed to what he want dahil alam kong mahal niya ako dahil sinabi niya naman pero hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip paano kung magbago ang nararamdaman niya o magsawa siya mag-intay. 

Dahil ako alam kong hindi ko na alam pa kung paano pa hindi siya mahalin. We are not together but I still love him at umaasa pa din ako sa panahon na baka pwede pa kami.  

Just like what I plan I try to learn surfing at dahil na din sa init ng California pakiramdam ko umiitim na ako but I don't care dahil pakiramdam ko bagay naman sa'kin medyo tan skin pero alam ko namang babalik din naman kulay ko sa dati I am just trying to enjoy my life here in California dahil dito man ako lumaki inayawan ko naman.