AOT Oneshots

Eruri - No Shame in Tears

Erwin Smith just found the journal of his best friend and maybe-boyfriend, Levi Ackerman. And so did all of the Scouts...
TW: Panic Attack, Self Hate

I rush forward as Levi disappears around the corner. I need to get to him. The things I saw in that journal... I can't stand the thought of him being that hard on himself.

At the same time, that last page made me too happy to describe.

I wonder, an you be elated and devastated at the same time? Can you simultaneously drown and fly? I suppose you can, if the sky and sea are one.

I walk down the hall, peering into rooms. Finally, I find Levi in an extra room, sitting against the wall on the bed.

"Hey, Levi, you know I would never..."

Oh no.

It's happening again.

His head is in his hands; gasping for air. He slowly rocks back and forth, and his chest rises and falls much too fast.

I run up to him and sit by him.

"Levi, It'll be ok. You're safe. I'm right here." I say, not sure what to do. So I do what I did last time: I simply hug him, whispering nothings. He leans into me. Tears fill my eyes; why didn't I notice sooner? I should have been able to see how much Levi was struggling. Skipping meals? Not allowing himself to sleep? I should have helped him. This is all my fault.

"I'm sorry... I'm fine," Levi gasps. A tear rolls down my cheek.

"Levi, you're having a panic attack. It's ok to not be fine."

"No, it's not. I have to be fine. Im captain Levi. Im always-" He breaks off, clenching his fists. "I'm not weak. I'm not vulnerable. I AM HUMANITIES STRONGEST SOLDIER!"

"You can't always be strong."

"Yes. I. Can!" Levi punctuates each word by punching weakly at my chest, the bed, his own body. I grab his hand and hold it.

"Listen to me," I demand. He opens his mouth to respond, but I interrupt him. "No. Just listen."

"You are humanities strongest soldier. But you can't be strong all the time. And punishing yourself unfairly won't allow you to be. Skipping meals and sleep weakens your body. Training harder won't keep your emotions at bay.

This part is important, so pay attention. Emotion is not a sign of weakness. Anxiety is not vulnerability. Crying, being happy... none of that makes you any less strong!"

I take a breath and prepare for Levi to contradict me. But he doesn't. He's silent. I look down at him, expecting him to be turned away, stone faced. What have I done?

He's crying.

Levi Ackerman is crying.

I've never seen this happen before. Sure, he sobbed once a few days ago, when he had that first panic attack. But even then, he didn't allow himself to cry.

But now, tears stream down his face. His shoulders shake with sobs. Gasping for air, rocking back and forth, burying his face in my shirt. I hold him tightly.

"There's no shame in tears," I reassure him.

Levi cries for hours. I sit by him the whole time. If I were in his situation, I would cry for days.

Finally, Levi pulls back. His face is red and wet, and the skin around his eyes is puffy. He takes a shuddering breath. "I'm f-" he stops himself. "I'm not fine. But I'm better. He looks up at me and plants a soft kiss on my lips. "Thank you."

I smile at him. I should go back, there are meetings. But instead, I hug Levi tighter and lean against the wall. He rests his head on my chest. I close my eyes...

I don't know how long we're asleep. But I do know that all I dream of is the day I met Levi.

The next day, I'm awoken at the same time as Levi by quiet laughter. I open my eyes to see all of the Scouts gathered around the doorway. Oh boy. I look down at Levi, and am surprised to see him smiling softly.

"Tch," he sighs, closing his eyes again.

"Erwin- does this mean-" Eren cries.

"Of course it does, stupid!" Jean says.

I nod.

The crowd of soldiers erupts into gasps and laughter.  "I knew it!" Someone cries.

"Oh, really? Were we that bad at pretending?"

"YES!" everyone yells.

"Oh, well. I suppose it was a bit obvious, now that I think about it."

They all nod.

"Well, if you already knew, then why are you still standing there?"

The crowd slowly disperses into groups, tittering and talking. When everyone is gone, I close my eyes and whisper,

"We're never going to hear the end of this."

"I know."

"People will hate us."

"I know."

"There will be gossip."

"I know. I don't care, though."

"Neither do I."

I sigh happily and drift off again.

(Hey, so I just want to clear some things up. First, I really want to follow you guys and vote for your stories, and I promise I will when I can, but something is wrong with my account {I'm not getting confirmation emails}. If anyone knows how to fix this, pls comment and tell me how! Also, Sorry these all manage to turn into Eruri fluff - I promise the next one will be something else.)
- Madzzzzie_the_frog ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )