AOT Oneshots

Without You

I watch through my one unbandaged eye as the kids I sacrificed so much for - the ones that are left, anyway - suffer while I can do nothing to help.

I curse myself for the umpteenth time for getting blown up by the asshole Zeke. If I had anticipated his willingness to die, I would be out there, fighting.

But instead I'm sitting here, on the sidelines, watching from one eye mummified in a heap of white cotton.

No one is around and I'm helpless. I've never felt like this before, not since I sat with my mothers corpse. I don't like it. I'm not distracted, and so my mind runs rampant, and slowly the torrent of thoughts builds up until my breath is much to fast.

My hands shake and I take deep breaths like Hange has told me to, but this time the panic stays. I'm sick of this, of the fear, of the helplessness, of the pain, of the whole thing in general. Panic attacks had become a normal part of my regimen, but Hange had given me suggestions on how to handle them which helped a lot most of the time.

This time is  not one of those times. I look down at my shaking hand and grip it into a fist.

I look around for Erwin, hoping he's somewhere nearby.

Then I remember.

He's gone.

My hand shakes again and my body follows. I let them come, hoping to distract myself from the dagger of pain lodged in my stomach.

The attack is coming, I can feel it. And no one is around to help. Maybe it's for the better; I'm useless to them right now. But I find myself wishing for those blue eyes again. Just once more.

I punch the dirt beside me and growl in frustration. "Dammit Erwin! You bastard! I sacrificed so much for you and you had the audacity to get killed by a damn rock?! You could have at least brought me with you! I want out of this hell too! I want a chance to rest! I want a chance to be happy, but of course that's too damn much to ask! I just want to be with you! I just-" I choke off as my chest rises and falls faster.

I breath in again and keep talking. It's all I can think of to keep myself under control. More or less.

"I can think of maybe 3 time in my life when I've been truly happy! I do so much! I try so hard! And I can't rest! You were my only escape, and now you give up on me and leave without me! I thought we could make it together. Carry each other through the hard times and die together. Maybe be happy. Maybe be more than miserable and exhausted! But nooo. Levi Ackerman? Happy? Hah! In my dreams!"

Tears gather in my eyes and I can't reach up to wipe them away.

"You don't know how many times Ive wished for death. Sometimes the only things that keep me going are these damn kids. They're like my own sometimes. And now they're dropping like flies like never before." A take a shuddering breath. "You know that damn potato girl? The one who was so annoying sometimes? Who had amazing aim? She's dead too. So is the freckled girl who loved Historia. And Moblit. You never knew that, did you? He died on the same day as you. Hange was devastated."

I put my head in my hands and cry harder. "Dammit, Im so lonely sometimes. I just need- I just need someone. Please come back. Please. I really need you. More than I ever have. I need you back."

I begin to sob so hard I cant talk anymore.

• • •

Somewhere off to the side, a figure that isnt completely real, that isn't quite visible, weeps silent tears watching the man he left behind fall apart.