AOT Oneshots

Connie Springer ~ Fluid

For context, this is before Connie came out as genderfluid to anyone.

I don't know what the hell I am.

I don't know why some days I flinch when someone calls me "he." I don't know why some days I wish my chest was different. I don't know why some days, I feel trapped. And I don't know why some days I feel perfectly fine.

But really, who cares? I've never felt satisfied with myself. I joke and laugh and feel like I'm dying on the inside and it's fine. It's all fine.

I'm fine as I sit in my bed and cry into my pillow. I'm fine as I stare at myself in the mirror, wishing I could change. I'm fine as I wash my face and stride confidently into the mess hall, plastering a grin on my puffy face, and sit with the others.

Smiles everywhere and I have to match them with my own. A set, a group, and no one is different. No one is unhappy but me. So I blend in, a weed impersonating a bright flower.

Sasha nudges me with a smile. "See, told you he was coming!" she says to the others.

I smile and laugh and keep my mouth shut, so all of my confusion won't come pouring out. I sit and crack jokes occasionally and focus on my food. And suddenly something inside me shifts, and everything feels wrong. I'm still me, but I'm not. I'm not the same.

The conversation flows even as I can't keep up. Sasha is rambling again. "And I was with Connie, and she-" she pauses, furrowing her brow. "Sorry, he... I don't know what just happened. For some reason it felt like I was talking about someone else."

But I don't hear what comes next. Something has clicked. Hearing that one word - she - made me feel like something was right. I felt whole. It clicked like a buckle.

"You good?" Jean says. I nod and smile.

"Something in this food. Titan meat, I'm tellin ya," I joke. But my mind is still racing. What was that?

There's only one person I can think to go to. Hange.

Section Commander Hange is genderqueer, meaning they use any pronouns. Also, they're the most understanding higher up here. If anyone knows what's going on with me, it's them.

I excuse myself and find them in the "meeting room," aka a mostly bare room with a table on the center spread with maps and papers. They're fiddling around with a bunch of beakers filled with multicolored fluids.

"Hange?" I say cautiously.

They look up. "Hey bud! How's it going?"

I scratch my neck. "I need advice."

Their face lights up and they pat the seat next to them. "That's what I'm here for! Section Commander Hange, at your service! What's up?"

I sit beside her and take a deep breath, my stomach fluttering. How do I explain something that I don't even completely understand myself?

"You can do it," Hange coaxes.

"I don't know. It's just... I'm not sure what I am. A girl or a boy or neither. Some days I feel normal. Some days I hate everything about myself. Some days I feel both at the same time. While we were sitting at lunch, all of a sudden everything felt off. And Sasha called me 'she,' and it made me really happy for some reason."

"Gender can be hard," Hange assures me. "I get it. So you sometimes feel like a boy, and sometimes a girl?"

"And sometimes neither, or a combination. But that doesn't make sense, does it? I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you. Here, look at this." They take two beakers filled with different colored liquids. "Some people are in one beaker, and stay that way their whole life. Some people are in the wrong beaker, and switch. Some people are in a different beaker entirely. There's lots of different ways people fit into or out of the beakers. And some people - like you - travel between beakers. You don't decide when, or where. You're fluid!"

I sit and process what I've just been told. Everything clicks into place. I can't believe the answer was so simple! I feel like I've pulled aside a curtain.

"Really? I can do that?"

"Of course!"

I smile and hug Hange. "Thank you so much, it makes sense now."

"Glad I could help! By the way, how would you like me to address you right now?"

"Um... she/her, I think?"

"Alright! Tell me if it changes."

I step back into the hallway, knowing that I'm a girl. Maybe I won't be later today. Maybe I will. That's ok. I'm fluid.

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Hi um sorry for taking so dang long to update I literally have no reason I just didn't have the motivation