Stealth. (FtM Karl)

Completely overthinking it

Triggers:
-a bit a gud ol dysphoria and self doubt
-my bestie anxiety
-vague mention of previous trauma

Phil got home and we had dinner, then I disappeared back up to my room and took off my binder, changing into something more comfortable.

And that's when it hit me.

I had been so happy about the kiss that reality just wasn't the same, a harsh reality at that. I had completely forgotten one vital detail.
I am trans.
Now to me and a lot of people, that's no big deal, some people are trans, it's not their fault and they are all strong, beautiful people.
But when it comes to a relationship?
Sometimes that's a deal breaker.

Wait. RELATIONSHIP??
Did I really just think that?
I mean, it was just a kiss, sometimes they don't even mean anything.
God Karl get over yourself.
Chances are, he'll never talk to me about it and we will just forget.

...but I just don't want to forget.

Would I even want to be in a relationship with him? I never really thought about him in that way...
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" I groaned into my pillow, why am I struggling so much with this?
It was just a kiss, it probably didn't even mean anything.
But I want it to mean something!

"Feelings are so hard..." I whined, removing the pillow from my face, 'this is so stupid' I thought, 'I planned to just stay out of all of this drama stuff. I don't want to be that one girl in those movies who squealing over boys and gossiping about crush's.'
God I sound ridiculous.
I need to just forget about the whole thing.

I knew the hard truth, one I would sometimes forget about but never avoided, there's always a chance that my body will be the cause for the end of relationships, whether it's friendship or romantic, any kind, there's always a pretty high chance that the fact I am trans will ruin it.
And I hate that.

'It probably didn't mean anything anyway.
Just stop thinking about it.' I repeated. I need to just move on like I always do.
Move on before I'm even rejected so I never am. Run away from a situation where rejection is bound to be the result.
Sometimes my assumptions are correct, or am I just used to disappointment?

'Oh my god shut up.' I told myself, 'it's over, we are done, I can't sit around overthinking. I already know what's going to happen.'

But I didn't.

I decided to just have a shower and go to sleep.
But unlike my old house, this bathroom had a mirror, and just like before, my body continued to haunt me.
I didn't even recognise my own face staring back in the reflection.

'What the honk is wrong with me?'

Sapnaps pov:

"YOU WHAT???" He screamed, a huge smile on his face.
"I said we kissed, no big deal." I lied, it was a big deal, but my smile gave away the neutral exterior I was trying to uphold.
"Dude it's about time." He teased, "I've noticed how close you guys have gotten, how often you text, hell! you even cancelled band practice to go to his house today, you never skip band practice. Like ever. You even gave me a lecture once for missing it."

"Wait, what's going on?" Bad asked, walking past Dreams room, a bunch of washed clothes in his arms.
"Sapnap and Karl are a couple."
"WHAT??" The older immediately ran back to the door, leaving the chores behind, "you mean KARL? Our sweet, innocent, polite Karl who has never once even swore. Dating NICK?" He gasped.
"We aren't a couple." I denied, glaring at the masked boy opposite me for getting Bad involved, "we just kissed, that doesn't make us a couple."
"Do you want to be?" Bad asked.

"Well, yeah, why else would I kiss him?" I answered.
"Actually, he kissed you." Dream added, raising his hand slightly.
"That doesn't matter!" I protested, "the point is, I like Karl. Like, I really like him. He just... makes me really happy. And he's so nice and thoughtful, he has a beautiful laugh and my heart just stops when I see him flustered, I feel like I can't breath when he enters a room I-"
"Ew, no. I don't like this sappynappy guy, bring back the old Sapnap." Dream mocked, covering his ears childishly.
"Just ask him out." Bad told me.

I sighed, "it's not that simple."
"Yeah, it is." Dream denied, "you just do it." He shrugged.
I raise an eyebrow and smirk, "oh yeah? Ask out George then."
He points at me abruptly, "I told you! I don't like George like that!" He denied. But his voice just tells me something completely different.
I just laugh at him slightly.

"Nick." Bad starts, I look at him still stood at the doorway, "just tell him how you feel. Trust me, rejection is better than nothing. And personally, I think he likes you back, who wouldn't? You're a great guy. There's no reason for him to say no." He smiles softly.
He then gives Dream a stern look, "and you, stop being in denial and work through your issues."
"Yeah, Dream, just don't consent to years of trauma." I joke, mostly mocking the absurdity of Bad's advice.
"Yeah yeah shut up, assholes." He folds his arms, he knows we don't mean it in a negative way, "me and George just aren't like that."
But he has a tell.

It's silent for a moment before Bad says, "right, I need to go and fold the washing. Sapnap, if I don't see you before you leave, bye I guess." He announces before leaving us alone.
I look back at Dream.

"Hey, what's with the mask?" I ask, Dream never has his mask on around me, even Bad, usually at home is when he takes a break.
His face tilts slightly, like he's looking away from me and he stays silent.
"Dream? Hey, dude, what's up? I won't judge man, you know me. You just never have it on around me and I'm worried." I frown.

"I want to show George." He answers.

"Wait, really?? That's great man!" I congratulate, showing his face to people has always been hard for him, I personally don't think it's even that bad but he insists on it staying covered.

"You think so?" He looks back up at me, "I've been trying to work up the courage to do so for a while now, I just assume leaving the mask on more than usual might help with that... I don't know, it sounds kind of dumb."

"Nope. Completely get it, whatever you need to do. This is a huge step for you. I promise it will all be fine, you'll be okay." I reassure.
He nods at me, "thanks bro."
"No problem man."

It's silence again for a moment, neither of us know what to say until dream suddenly rests his chin on his hand, his elbow on his knee.
"So about Karl~"

"Shut up."