Stealth. (FtM Karl)

Unrecognisable

Triggers:
Dysphoria
Cant recognise reflection
(Pls tell me if I miss any)

They didn't go to school that day.
They decided that they should take the day off to just relax after Dream worked up the courage to tell George what happened.
He put it as vaguely as possible, just that his family wasn't one of the best in the world, and after the accident is when he met Bad, his parents let him live in the house, and Dreams parents didn't once try to look for him.

Karl's pov:

Today is the last day of school I'm allowed to miss, and once again I am sat at home. Alone.
'Man, this sucks' I sigh.
The house is once again completely silent, I had woken up after everyone had already left, and I quite frankly felt like shit.
I don't know what happened, but my mind just feels so fuzzy. I just woke up in a shit mood I guess.

I just feel so stuck. Like it's really hitting me that no matter what I do, I'm never going to really be a boy.
I'm always going to be stuck in this body, no matter what I do I can never be a cis guy.
Hell, I don't think I can even start T till I'm 18 maybe even later than that.

With everything that happened recently, I never really had the time to think about... everything. Everything to do with me.

God I must sound so pathetic. Finally free from my emotionally abusive home, finally have friends who see me for who I am; and here I am, just laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself just because I'm a trans guy.

Like, sure, life is always going to be hard for me because I'm not cis or straight, but it's worse for others. There are people who have it way worse, I can't just sit here complaining when I have what I have.

But even so, I feel this itch I can't scratch, on that stop on my back that I can't quite reach, but it's on the inside; just out of reach from me, there's an uneasy feeling that I'm stuck in one place and I can't move forward.
And that feeling is crushing my at an agonisingly slow pace, minute by minute, it becomes more irritating. It makes me want to scream.

I am constantly reminded of my body whenever I think about this stuck feeling, the only thing I can ask is "why?". Why this body? Why was I given something like this?
I wish that I was born in a man's body, or at least be happy as a cis woman. If I could be a cis woman and be happy then I would, but unfortunately I'm not. I'm not a cis guy nor am I a cis woman.

I sit up and I stare at the mirror, turned around so my reflection was hidden. I glared at it, contemplating whether or not it would be a good idea to turn it around.
But I did, regardless of what my brain was telling me, my body thought it was a good idea.
I turned the mirror around and leant it against the wall. I stood there in my pjs and just stared at my own reflection.
Poking and prodding at different parts of my body and face, I found it hard to recognise myself. Just like in photos of me, I just didn't see me. I always looked like a stranger. It made no sense, it's like I was possessing someone else's body.
'Maybe it's because I never really look at myself in mirrors or take photos?' I tell myself. But I know that's not the case.

I don't know why, but I just can't seem to grasp the idea that that is me, that is my face.
...that is my face?
I don't know whether I should feel happy or disappointed about the fact that this is really my face. For someone who's pre-T, I have a pretty masculine face.
Or so I think most days.
Other days I'm picking out every small detail of myself that I see is feminine.

And as I'm thinking about my appearance, my mind suddenly switches back to a lately reoccurring topic.
Nick.
He probably hates me. And if he doesn't, then he will when he finds out I'm a trans guy.
Why? Who knows. There's nothing wrong with trans guys. I don't have a problem with me being trans do I? Maybe I do.
I've never had a problem with trans people, they're amazing, so why do I not feel like I deserve a relationship just because I am trans?
I do. I deserve love.

'If Sapnap doesn't like me because I'm trans, then that's his loss, not mine. I deserve better.'
But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I'm not sure I could ever willingly loose him or let him go, hell, I don't think I could ever even work up the courage to tell him that.
I think that if he rejected me because I'm trans, it might just break me.

This is going to take a while.