She falls in love with Bucky Barnes from the moment she sees him. Bucky, still in love with a woman from his past, hates Y/N and plans to make her life miserable. To both their dismay, they are assigned together to go undercover into The Capitol for...
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I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.
(Hurt - 2we1)
+ + +
He blinks.
He doesn't know what happened or why he's suddenly alone in the apartment.
His eyes dart around as he looks for you, needing you. Eyes panning slowly to the left and then to the right, he takes in a deep and shaky breath.
He blinks again and suddenly he's confused and his mind is a daze.
You.
The note.
The plan.
He blinks...and blinks.
His eyes go to your unmade bed — empty.
He feels weak.
...
It takes about twenty full minutes for him to come out of the trance. He knows that trance wasn't normal and he's aware of that more than he's aware of what just actually happened.
It dawns on him gradually, eyes coming together in realization and heart hammering away inside his chest, and then, finally, he knows what he's experiencing and what just happened.
He knows the name now for this specific fear of trust and commitment, this fear of loving and getting hurt, this fear of being lied to, and this fear of everything being taken away from him just like it always has been his entire life.
The episode he just had was nothing short than a long lasting effect of psychological trauma.
It's a symptom of his PTSD after decades of torture. He comes to terms with it and accepts it.
He can't help how he reacts, no matter how hard he tries to not react certain ways and be better. He knows he needs help and he knows part of his issues will never truly go away. What he hates the most about it is these emotional episodes that he has when it comes to love and when it comes to you. The episodes that keep getting in the way and messing everything up.
He's always been aware of his nightmares, but trances when it came to you, and when it came to love and wanting to keep loving unconditionally, without those fears? It was hard for him.
So hard.
He wasn't in control of these episodes.
They were out of his control and they were repercussions of everything he had ever experienced. He experienced trauma that was to a level that he knows only he could ever understand, no matter how many times anyone ever read his files. Only he would ever know his own troubles.
