Sorry | Murphamy AU | vol.1

Ch.40 - Visual Learner

Murphy P.o.v.

I should be asleep, but I'm not. Bellamy had passed out an hour ago, and I got up and moved over to the desk. I was easily at my worst, and admitting I was sick was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I think about drawing, but a better idea pops into my mind. I take out my laptop and open a new document. I start to type.

--

The weekend was pretty slow. Bellamy's parents and I sat down and had a lengthy discussion and decided that I should go see a therapist. I also rehearsed my piece for the arts festival, and slept a lot.

We can see from behind the curtain, the other student population take their seats for the festival. Everyone participating in the first half of the show sits backstage. I was going on last. Fuck me. I was right before the intermission. Everyone'll remember it.

Jaha, introduces me, telling them what I'll be performing and everyone claps. It isn't a competition, so everyone is friendly and supportive. I take a chair from side stage, and bring it onto the stage, and the lights fall. When silence fills the auditorium, I start. "To the voice inside my fucked up mind." I shout, and I see eyes widen in the audience. Always start off with something to get them listening right? I'd taken the liberty of writing my own monologue after Friday night. I collapse onto the chair and rub my face in my hands.

"After months of having a somewhat stable relationship, you pull this shit now? After he, time and time again confesses his love to me, you decide that, now is a good time to play with my thoughts? I know the facts. I know how he feels towards me. I don't need your fucking input. Okay?" I spit, angrily and then I rest my face in my hands for a few moments. When I lift my face, I tear up, "I can't pretend to be okay anymore. I... I just can't. It's hard when you have literally no where and no one to turn to. When everything just falls apart and you stand there, fighting to breath, and the one person who you thought loved you, just... doesn't anymore, you there's no point. I wasn't blessed with fancy cars or rich parents. I was given a shit house with a father who died when I was way way too young, and a mother who beat the shit out of me everyday till I was 14. At that point she'd be drinking so much she couldn't even stand up straight when I got home from school. No friends, always hungry, bullied and depressed by the age of ten." I hold up 10 fingers. I am sitting on the chair with my feet firmly planted. and my elbows rested on my thighs, just above my knees. "Pretty good childhood if you ask me. I was never bored." I speak sarcastically, most of it's true, I just change a few facts like the ages and shit. People didn't know me, so they thought I was making this up. Except Bellamy.

"High school rolls along, and I manage to push out three years without much happening except the occasional beer bottle to the head. Thanks mom. Rest in piece. Then, I meet this guy, who basically waltzes in one day and tells me that he wants to get to know me. Now, I laugh at this guy in the face, but after a while, I realize that he's being serious. Someone, for the first time in my life, is trying to get to know me. He's got the crow bar, and he's prying away," I imitate and laughter sounds from the audience. "pleading for me to let him in, until one day." I pause and there's a still silence. I sit up straight. "I decide, why not. What's the worst that could happen. He thinks you're screwed up and runs away? Fine. I've got nothing!" I shout desperately, breaking the current emotion of the story. "What do I have to lose? So I let things guy in and I tell him and show him, everything. And what happen next?" I ask pausing, then I quickly get up and chair falls back. "A beautiful, fucked up version of what normal people call love. I fell for this guy so hard, I'd actually broken my nose." I say, using my broken nose as a prop and a people laugh. "But... here are the problems with this guy; He's supportive, caring, trustworthy, loyal..." I count the problems my fingers. "His biggest one is that he loves me." I say, bringing back the serious element. "I, am none of those things, and every time he tells me that he loves me, it gives me butterflies. But the butterflies are slowly gnawing away at whatever is left of me, because I know what you tell me is true." I say, stopping in the spotlight. "I know that no one will ever love me, because of you." I say quietly, and take a few deep breaths, knowing the next lines are head and take a lot of power. "And you're killing me! You're in my head and I can't kill you because he won't let me! You think I'm weak and pathetic. We love him both so much, and you know that. So why can't you just let me believe that his love is real. Why do you let me think that he loves me because he has to and not because he wants to? Can you please answer? Can you please let someone love me? Can you please let me feel something other than hatred towards the world? I just hope there's enough time. I hope that I can shut you up before he gives up on me. You had been so quiet for the longest time. Why is it that when I start to believe his love is real, you come back? What can I do to convince you that what we have is real? What can I do to show you that he's not lying? What can I do to make you understand? What? Please tell me so that I can prove it. Please let me know before it's too late and I give up entirely... Sincerely yours, John Murphy." I finish, bow my head "scene." I say, and the lights drop.