Dear Fucking Hell Diary,
Do you think it's the acne?
I mean I know it's ugly, but is it that off putting?
I thought it was clearing up.
Anyway, I bet you're dying to know what happened.
So am I.
But I digress.
I'll tell you anyway, I suppose since I promised you deserve to know.
It was really awkward at first. Really, really awkward. I sat down in math. I didn't even look at him. I just... sat there.
Knowing he'd kissed me.
We didn't talk all lesson.
We didn't speak at all. He didn't even acknowledge me.
And you know what dearest? It hurt.
It really did.
It hurt, a lot.
He had kissed me, my first kiss, and been so gentle, and kind, and caring about it. And he had been kind to me before. Not once had he ever been a dick.
Until now.
What if it was a joke.
Is there some punchline I'm missing?
This doesn't seem fair.
We did speak that day though. After school. He came up to me and apologised.
He apologised like he did something wrong.
Do you think I would have kissed back if I hated it?
I wanted to say, but I didn't.
Instead I just smiled, and laughed, and said it was fine. He seemed happy at that. But it wasn't one of my most convincing performances. He may have been able to tell, but I tried to stay light, and breezy, and happy.
But as soon as I left, it hurt so much.
It hurts so much, it made me cry.
It hurts in my chest. It really hurts there. It feels like my heart is grieving.
It hurts in my mind too. It hurts there. I can't figure it out. I can't figure any of it out. I can't think of why. Why any of this happened.
Do you think I would care this much if I wasn't in love?
Truly,
Your Jackie
