Dearest,
Screw this I'm happy again.
Stupid for letting my happiness depend on a boy but of course I'm happy because of Alex. He's my boyfriend.
I would be stupid to not be happy because of him.
I went and talked to Alex while he was with his group of friends, which is the scariest shit I've ever done.
And I'm not even counting the fact that his friends all hate me, that shit made me have heart palpitations.
But like I did it.
And I said, "Can we like talk later? I know you're busy so like not right now."
"We can talk now if you want?" He said but more liked a question.
"It's fine you're busy. Just meet me later." I smiled at him.
And then I went and sat in a cubicle in the toilet and hugged my knees and stared into space like 'Holy fuck I just did that'.
His friends gave me weird looks the whole time but it's fine.
I'm used to weird looks.
Peggy doesn't even bat an eye when someone says something offensive to me in the hallways and I just break away and reply with something half assed like "Bite me" and just continuing with my conversation, and vice versa.
Alex probably got shit for me talking to him, that kinda makes me feel bad.
But whatever. If he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't have done what he did.
We met after school in an empty classroom. I felt kinda awkward, and I was so fucking nervous about what I was going to say.
But I had already asked him to talk so I couldn't back out now, he'd worry.
So he got there and asked me what was wrong and I just stared at my feet and eventually got the courage to ask (in the smallest voice ever), "Do you still want to be with me?"
"Oh baby," He said, in a way that somehow resolved all my mommy issues at once. "Why would you ever think I wouldn't?"
"I don't know..." I kind of just mumbled, and shifted.
He gently lifted up my chin with his hand and looked me in the eyes. "I will always want to be with you." He said, and then he kissed me.
And it was nice. It felt like we hadn't kissed in forever.
And then he pushed me back on the desk and we made out. Not in a horny way, more in a love way? Does that make sense?
We kissed, and I held onto him, and I had my legs wrapped around his waist, and he just held me so tight, like he was making up for lost time.
At one point he pulled away and kissed softly at my neck, and like I had my hand tangled in his hair, and he kinda just murmured "You're so pretty, so beautiful." in between kisses and I just tilted my head back and all I could think was
this must be what heaven is.
And then we had to go home, but he invited me over for another little gay sleepover thingy, since we're off school on Wednesday, don't ask why cause I don't know.
I told my dad and he still thinks that we're fucking. I told him we aren't but he told me to make sure we use condoms and that you ask for consent.
Maybe he's an ok guy?
Anyway I'm being gay tomorrow so don't expect me to write about my day just the gay stuff.
Oh wait I forgot to tell you about the prank.
It was hilarious, Thomas freaked out in a way that he pretended he wasn't freaking out but got super frustrated when he found out everything was superglued and his locked was stuck like that.
We tried to hard not to laugh but really laughed after.
It's dumb and cringe but it was funny.
Anyway I'm excited for my gay.
I'll update you.
Many kisses.
Johnny boi <33
