Dearest Diary,
I do try my best not to explode.
I promise I'm trying.
And then it all fucking goes to shit.
I yelled at my science teacher. Properly fucking lost it. Yeah, the class that Alex and James and Hercules is in. I know.
I don't even remember what I said exactly, which is new for me. The word fuck was used a lot, shit a few times, bullshit, a few times I used the words dick and dickhead, and cunt. Twice.
After all of it I kinda just breathed, and said to the science teacher (who was essentially fearing his life) "I'll take myself to the principals office."
I know the drill. It's happened a shit ton his year, about once every two weeks maybe. I've gotten so many detentions. Literally I cant fucking count them all. I suppose that means I'm good with the principal. She's kinda nice. She somewhat understands.
I had to go and sit outside the office for a while, waiting my turn to go in. I was kinda fucking pissed, I had already forgotten why I was so mad, plus I had just embarrassed myself in front of that class.
Though I didn't really care, people already thought what they want of me. But I do care about exploding in front of Alex.
I feel like I shouldn't. It's embarrassing, he shouldn't have to see that side of me. He seems delicate, and I should be careful around him.
These fucking feeling are fucking with my head.
Fuck these shitty ass feelings.
Pricks.
When the principal did let me I just slumped in the seat in front of her desk and she just gave me a look.
Like a look.
And said "Again John?"
And I was like "Yeah."
"What teacher was it this time?"
"Dr Allen."
"He's a nice guy."
"I know. I feel bad."
"Well, you know how it goes, you get an hours ish worth of detention after school."
I sighed, even though I knew this was going to happen. It has to happen, she has to punish me.
She offered for me to sit in her office until I've calmed down. She always does this, even though I'm mostly fine, but it's comforting because she keeps me until the end of the lesson; it would be embarrassing to go back in.
I think she has a kid with anxiety or something.
As previously aforementioned, I'm not some main character in some indie teen rom com, I don't have emotional connections or cool teachers. I just happen to see a few teachers who take pity on me, and I happen to see a lot.
Mrs Washington is nice because she let me in the art room when I just couldn't face everyone else.
And I suppose I've fallen into the principals routine now. She must have it write on a post-it on her calendar, 'don't forget about the mentally ill kid'. I suppose, she is nice really, she just lets me get on with it.
So I spent the rest of the period on a spinning chair in the corner of her office, doodling and reading and spinning. She lets me stay even if someone else comes in. She doesn't care. I do this a lot anyway.
She just lets me exist for an hour before I leave for the next period.
She's nice I suppose. But now I have a detention.
Yay.
Anyway, because half of the dicks are in that class, it just gave them fuel to keep fucking with me all day.
They followed me, laughing at me and mocking me for the things I screamed. They wouldn't fucking shut up, but I tried to ignore them so I wouldn't get like more detentions.
Then they did something that made my heart leap out of my fucking mouth.
Shitty ass anatomy.
Hercules grabbed you from out of my hands, and my entire fucking brain just went "Shit."
"Is this a diary?" He teased me, mocked me even, flicking through all the pages.
"Give it back!" I yelled at him.
"What's he matter?" He pouted at me while the others laughed and looked at you too as he flipped through the pages but slower. "Is little John writing down all his precious secrets in his little diary?" He mocked me, pouting and they all laughed.
They all fucking laughed.
And I snapped, thank god.
I kicked him in the shins, and I grabbed you back, and yelled "Fuck you!"
He doubled over in pain, and Thomas glares at me. "So it is a diary?" He smirked a stupid smirk that I wanted to punch off of him. "Just wait till I get my hands on it, I can't wait to see what filthy secrets you have, I'm sure everyone would."
That's where he's wrong dearest. He'll never get ahold of you.
I promise.
He was really close in my face, and it would have been homoerotic if he wasn't ragingly homophobic.
"Go step in front of a train Jeffershit." I hissed at him, stupidly bravely.
"The fuck did you just call me?" He kinda of yelled and shoved me back into he lockers hard.
Thank god the bell rang then. They all looked away, then back at me in unison. Talk about fucking creepy.
"Saved by the bell, dipshit." Was all he said before leaving.
God I fucking hate him.
I want to just fucking stab him sometimes.
I want to fucking tear him limb from limb, I watch to beat his skull in until he bleeds out onto the floor, I want him to scream in pain and beg me for mercy, only for me to fucking kill him.
He just pisses me off.
I hate having violent thoughts all the time because the worst thing is I'm fully capable of doing the scary stuff.
Anyway detention was a drag. The principal doesn't even stay, she just leaves so it's essentially me just entertaining myself for an hour. She let me out early too because she basically couldn't be bothered.
Life's a drag.
I'm tired.
Much Love,
Johnathan
