Dearest Diary,
I am so fucking over my life.
I'm fucking over it all.
It's so goddamn stupid.
I can't walk anywhere without whispers, rumours, people staring at me and sometimes even just coming up to me and saying it outright. It's safe to say these rumours have spun out of fucking control.
It's gone to the point where it's not me trying to kiss Lafayette anymore, it's me trying to force him to have sex with me.
I'm not that desperate.
So what started at as sarcastic comment about having to prove my gayness has now turned into people branding me some perverted rapist who tries to sleep with straight guys.
Like genuinely what the fuck.
I'm not James Charles.
The dicks won't leave me alone. Whenever I'm near them in public, they shy away and act like I'm going to hurt them, but alone they're their usually selves. But worse.
I think they find it funny tormenting me. Physically hurting me, calling me slurs, threatening me, taking my things.
It fucking ain't.
I don't understand why people can't leave me alone. I mean it's so ridiculous you would think they would realise, but no. They have to buy into it.
On top of that, my acne's getting worse. I hate it so much, it makes my cheeks all red, and it looks gross and my skins so oily. I just want clear skin. Plus, it's not even somewhere subtle it's right on my cheeks. Both of them.
I hate it so much.
I hate it all so much.
I hate the way I look.
My eyes are such a weird colour as well, it's like mint green. Almost blue. Not attractive at all. Logistically, according to my race and genetics my eyes should be like a dark brown. My mom had brown eyes, so does my dad and all my siblings. And I'm like the freak of the family with green eyes.
Like, bright green eyes.
Plus, something weird happened to me today. Not special, but weird to say the least.
You remember my unfortunate run in with the Schuylers? Well the youngest one, I genuinely don't even know her name, came up to me today. And let me tell you, I was shitting my fucking pants as I know how homophobic they are.
But it was alright? And like out of nowhere.
She came up to me as I was at my locker, with the fancy new door (why is it always my locker though) and seemed nervous, and was like hi, then straight up asked if I was gay.
I just gave her a look.
"Oh, right sorry," She sort of mumbled. "How did you come out?"
The question didn't really seem to hide anything anything it, and it looked like it was genuine.
"I don't know. I don't think I did anything special." I said, putting the books in my locker, "I didn't suddenly come out, I just never really hid it. I didn't tell anyone I was gay, but if someone asked I'd tell them, or if someone went like 'Do you have a girlfriend?' I would just correct them. People at school found out and treated it like a rumour, until I was just like 'Yeah I'm gay' and they kind of were like oh. I didn't have a big coming out, I just didn't hide it."
"Oh... Did you always know you liked guys?"
"Kind of. I never got the crushes on girls when I was a kid, I just thought none of them were my type, and then I fell in love with the boy who sat next to me in science and I was like, well then." I smile slightly at her.
She looked away, and seemed to be thinking. "Oh, ok... Well uh, I'll see you around." She smiled warily at me.
It was kind of cute, in the way you'd think a younger sibling is cute.
"Yeah." I smiled back at her, and she left.
My day is so confusing.
My life is so confusing.
I kept seeing Alex again today. I didn't talk to him, but he always smiled at me whenever we made eye contact so I smiled back. It was a bit weird, but nice. No one has done that before. It kind of gave me butterflies.
Dearest, am I in love?
Always and forever,
John
