Dearest,
Maybe my life's looking up finally?
Or maybe I just made a bunch of mistakes and I'm once again unable to distinguish between right and wrong?
I'll leave it to the gods.
Which is what I say when I can't be bothered to think about it anymore.
In my (much needed) opinion, the idea of a god is stupid. The idea of any higher being is stupid. Because why haven't they done anything so far? Fixed anything at all. I am yet to see the earth being fixed.
It's the inconsistent triad. If you don't know what that is google it I'm not wasting time.
But if god is really all loving why hasn't he fixed any of the earth? Why is he letting abortions being criminalised and possibly even birth control? Why did he let all the bad shit in history happen?
Don't get me started on the whole "bUt SuFfErInG iS a TeSt" thing that pisses me off so much. You're telling me this is a test? It's all a test? You're telling me finding my moms dead body when I was a kid was a good thing? Trying to kill myself was all part of the plan? The eating disorder, the bullying, the anxiety, the IED, the people Ive hurt, the people who've hurt me, that's all meant to happen? An all loving god let this all happen to me? To test me?
Bull fucking shit.
Loving someone does not mean hurting someone.
If he loved me, I would not be in pain.
I cannot stand religious people sometimes. I open up and say I want to fucking die in the most painful and horrific way ever and they're like "No jesus loves you."
Great so some dead guy with long hair and a beard loves me. What that got to do with anything? Oh look at that, DaVinchi's twink boyfriend loves me oh great.
That's what white Jesus is by the way. Don't fool me.
Besides, a virgin birth? Someone lied. There's no way anyone actually believes this shit right? It confuses me.
Plus the bible was definitely written by humans for funsies.
Have you seen how many stories and people there are? That things like a deviant art chainmail, people just came along and added new sections.
Bet you in 1000 years the bible will have changed.
Religion does more bad than good. It's an excuse to hate a lot of the time, and heavily religious people do not give great advice. It's always 'Jesus loves you.' Seriously what the fuck do you want me to do with that?
I suppose it's the blind optimism that pisses me off a lot.
And the fact I haven't met someone who really believes in Jesus that is sane and not a complete asshole weirdo.
Worse if they're my age. They're all pretty toxic.
Most of my school is Christian. All the people who hate me are Christian.
I don't have time to waste in god, sitting down and praying to nothing when I could be back on my feet read to punch my problems in their fucking faces. Which isn't much better but it works more than praying.
I've never met a good religious person.
But then again I live in a small part of the world. I'm sure there's like one or two good religious people out there. Christians I'm not sure though.
But I could never believe in god.
I'm unwilling in to believe in someone who has the power to make me better and just won't, while claiming to love me. That's not love, that's textbook abuse.
God is just an abuser.
If he loved me he wouldn't let me hurt.
He wouldn't have let my life happen.
He wouldn't have let this evening happen.
It all stared because my dad was drunk again. As most things do start. But he was angry drunk. Really angry drunk.
He had already hit me once. Open palm slaps are fucking painful, I'll tell you that much.
I've never really exploded at my dad, but oh boy did I explode.
I really yelled at him. I was sick of him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I had yelled. "Do you really think drinking will ever solve anything?! That the answers to your problems all sit at the bottom of a bottle?! Mom's dead! Ok, she's not coming back! No matter how much alcohol you consume she will always remain 6 feet under the fucking ground! All drinking has done to you is made you a disgusting, fucked up person! You can't even look after your own kids you're too fucking drunk! And you take it all out on me as if I killed her! She killed herself, do you hear me?! She killed herself, none of us touched her and if it would be anyone it would have been you!"
There was just silence.
Then Mary started crying from upstairs.
I felt guilty for that last part. None of us killed mom. Dad didn't kill her. She killed herself, and that's the worst part. Because that's no ones fault. You have no one to be angry with.
Except yourself.
Then my dad dropped the bottle. And he started crying.
It threw me off guard.
The only time I'd ever see him cry before was when she died.
"You're right." He slurred and sobbed incoherently. "Of course you're right."
I was so taken aback. My father just said I was right?
Unsure of what else to do, I held him as he cried. To my surprise he gripped onto me tightly.
"I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want her to be gone." He cried.
"I know, I know, but she is." I soothed him softly.
"I can't stand this. The missing her. The grief. She was my everything."
"She would be disappointed now."
"I know." He cried harder. "I don't want this anymore. I want to get sober."
"You could go to an AA meeting." I suggested.
"I can't. What if they take my babies away? They're the last piece of her I have left. I love them all so much."
I paused.
"Especially John. I see her so much in John." I think it was then I started crying. "He's always cleaning up my messes. I feel bad. I've always been shit to him when he is Eleanor. She left herself behind in him." I started crying harder and I pressed my face into him. He cried harder too. "And I'm so proud of him." He sobbed. "I am so proud of him and I can never say it right. Just because our views don't agree doesn't mean I don't love him. He's my eldest. I love him so much."
I couldn't even think. I let myself go. It was as if I had got drunk myself off of the deathly strong alcohol scent hanging around him. Everything felt hazy; all I could do was cry.
I hadn't cried in my fathers arms since my mom died.
My father hadn't cried in my arms since my mom died.
I helped him get into bed. He fell asleep nearly immediately. I went downstairs and I cleared up the empty bottles and broken glass and threw them out.
Then I threw out all the bottles. All the alcohol.
I hope he meant it.
Maybe this is a turning point in my life?
Or maybe they were all just empty promises?
Forever your love,
John Laurens :)
