Dearest,
I am so sorry.
I tried to protect you.
I have tried so hard. I knew the risks. I knew them so well.
But I couldn't keep you safe.
They found you, they got to you, they took pictures of you, all the drawings I did, all the embarrassing things I confessed, and especially all the psychotic things I wrote.
And they put them everywhere.
The second I walked into school I saw them.
The people staring.
The pieces of paper. Stuck to every wall. Crammed thousands on each notice board.
My heart stopped.
I knew it was mine, I saw my handwriting.
I tried to tear them down but there were too many. So many.
I wanted to cry. To scream.
I kept walking down the school, the whispering getting worse as I got deeper.
I felt sick to my fucking core.
"Well, if it isn't the freak himself." Thomas laughed, surrounded by a crowd.
I just stared at him. I was nearly crying. My entire world felt as if it was going to implode. As if everything had stopped. I could hardly hear anything.
"Why did you... why did you do that?" I whispered. I couldn't do anything more than whisper.
"Aw is the mental case gonna cry?" Someone laughed from the crowd. And then they all did. They all laughed. They all started laughing, and it was so loud. They were all laughing.
It was too much.
You couldn't have expected me not to explode, right dearest?
"Shut up, just shut up!" I screamed. I was crying. I turned to face Thomas. "Could you not just do something nice for once in your life Thomas? Could you not be so much of a self centred, worthless excuse for a human for one fucking minute?" I screamed. I was still screaming.
But it didn't work.
He laughed. He smiled and he laughed. And he said "Psycho." They all started saying it. Chanting it over and over like my nightmares.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't think.
I wasn't in my body, I was watching myself.
I wasn't there.
I was with my mom.
"You selfish fucking piece of shit!" I screamed again. "I could have told everyone that you were sleeping with James but I fucking didn't, did I?" They stopped chanting. "At least I had some fucking human decency towards you, but it's wasted because you're a worthless, selfish cunt. You fucking-"
"How dare you say that about me and him, you don't-" He tried to approach me, he tried to hit me, to push me, but I could only see red.
I hit him, harder than I've ever hit anyone before, I punched him, and there was a crack. In his skull.
He yelled out, and doubled over in pain, clutching his face.
"Did you ever stop to think about how I feel?! Through any of this did you think about me?!" I screamed still, "I'm a fucking person too you know, I am a fucking human! I hurt just the same way you do."
He stood back up. He was so mad. But I couldn't care.
"You fucking bitch, how dare you touch me." He hissed and he hit me. And I hit him back. Harder. I wouldn't stop hitting him. I could only stop when he screamed in pain, and Hercules pulled him away. I had scratched him, and he was bleeding. 3 deep marks in his face, blood pouring out of them, it just wouldn't stop.
I just stared. My hands were shaking. Everyone was watching me.
I couldn't breathe.
People were whispering. It was so quiet I could hear them.
"No wonder he's so fucked up, think about what happened to his mom."
"He's crazy, he shouldn't be allowed outside. He's on meds!"
"What a freak, he actually said he wanted to kill people?"
"God, all the things he wrote were so wrong. He should be locked away."
"It's bad enough he's gay, but he's fucking crazy."
Fucking crazy.
I'm fucking crazy.
"Look at what you did to me." Thomas said calmly, and I just stared. I was so scared. His nose was bleeding. He had a black eye. I had definitely broken somewhere in his skull. The left side of his face was all covered in blood. His hand was shaking. "You're a psycho. A freak. You did this to me."
"N-No, I didn't I-"
"You did." He was still calm. That's what scared me. "You're crazy."
Crazy.
Crazy.
Am I crazy?
Am I that out of my mind?
The definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over again and expect different results.
And haven't I been doing just that?
I never changed, yet I expected it all to stop.
I'm crazy.
I'm a psycho.
I'm a freak.
I'm inhumane.
I did that to someone.
I am not a good person.
I hate myself.
And suddenly I was aware of everyone and everything at once. All of it. Everyone's eyes on me. Everyone's mouths whispering. And they were all saying the same thing.
"Crazy."
I couldn't stand there. I couldn't be there any longer.
My heart was going to beat out my chest.
I left, I started walking away, quickly, close to running by the end of it.
"John!" I heard Alex call my name, his footsteps approaching as he ran to me. I shrugged him off when he grabbed my arm and I walked faster.
The principal tried to stop me.
I dropped my bag and I ran out of the school.
I ran out of school.
I ran all the way home, crying.
I ran home. I ran all the way home. I ran up the stairs.
I ran into my bedroom.
I ran into my bed.
I hid under the covers.
And I screamed.
